The Contest

Representatives of seven MLB teams wait in the lobby of the CAA sports agency in Los Angeles. Looks are exchanged as AJ Preller silently trades  with Theo Epstein a Sports Illustrated from 2005 for an old Newsweek (the rare time a Preller trade works out). All these men are here for the same reason, a chance to sign Japanese phenom Shohei Ohtani. Some call him the Japanese Babe Ruth, and these lucky seven have made the final cut for a chance to make a final presentation.

Ohtani is not there, instead watching via video link at an undisclosed location, likely within CAA's volcano fortress in the south pacific. All these teams will have a chance to add a terrific, possibly generational talent. Each will give a presentation that best encapsulates what the experience of playing for them will be like. Only one man, Shohei Ohtani, will make the final selection. A single white dove is released from the roof indicating the teams can begin.

San Francisco Giants: Brian Sabean leads the presentation. Buster Posey has some how gotten into the volcano to hand deliver garlic fries to Ohtani. The Giants remind the young ace that it is an even year and despite a slight hiccup in 2016 that means a title. Bruce Bochy makes clear he will get a chance to hit, mainly because no one else on the team really can other than Madison Bumgarner. In closing, they say he will also get to play with Giancarlo Stanton, unless he picks St. Louis over San Francisco. The Giants officials say good bye through the roars of laughter.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Andrew Friedman leads the LA presentation, still used to working for the Rays he presents the agents with store bought doughnuts. Everyone agrees this is much better than a Dodger Dog so all is forgiven. Clayton Kershaw comes on strong with his pitch, but tires in the later part of the presentation and falls apart. As always, Larry King sits just outside the conference room the entire presentation. In keeping with tradition, the Dodgers leave early before they are finished.

Texas Rangers: Jon Daniels is the Rangers pitch man. As per usual, Daniels informs everyone that the stars at night are big and bright. The entire room claps and responds deep in the heart of Texas! With that out of the way the presentation begins. The presentation goes extremely well and it looks like Ohtani is ready to jump on board. Then to close the deal the Rangers bring in Nelson Cruz, which is odd since he is now a Mariner. Shohei asks Cruz a simple question, almost like a routine fly ball, Nelson somehow misreads the question and is way off in his answer completely derailing the meeting.

Los Angeles Angels: Even though he isn't the GM, Mike Scioscia leads the Angels presentation. The presentation begins with the team informing Ohtani in the shadow of the Dodgers they are basically the Pirates with better weather. Then they play 45 minutes of Mike Trout highlights. The meeting abruptly ends when Scioscia informs everyone that Ohtani doesn't play the "right way" and signs Jeff Mathis instead.

San Diego Padres: AJ Preller leads the Padres sale job. Preller begins asking the agents and Ohtani: "Is this a joke? Seriously you've seen our work? Not a prank? We won't be mad if it is, just be honest." Assured they are serious, Preller informs them that with little fan support Ohtani will be in a low-stress environment. A shirtless Travis Wood enters and informs the Japanese hurler they can become the pitching bash brothers. Alas Travis comes on too strong and scares Ohtani off.

Chicago Cubs: Theo Epstein leads the Cubs pitch. Theo begins stating the Cubs won the 2016 World Series, a lot of people forget that. In the middle of the meeting Bill Murray emerges from a potted plant in full camo gear. Not for any real reason, it's just something that happens at Cubs meetings. Ohtani is impressed by the presentation despite being disappointed to learn Henry Rowengartner is not a real member of the team. Rookie of the Year was huge in Japan. Since this is a big name Japanese pitcher, Theo comes in 2nd place in the bidding.

Seattle Mariners: Jerry Dipoto leads the presentation. Robinson Cano offers everyone the ballpark specialty, roasted grasshoppers (not a joke they really have that). Dipoto informs Ohtani if he chooses Seattle they can win 87 games, but if he doesn't go to the Mariners they will only win 87 games. He is shown amenities like the decent stadium, the decent facilities, and the ok fans. The presentation ends with Kelsey Grammar signing Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs.

Ohtani then releases a passenger pigeon (previously thought to be extinct) with the winning team tied around it's foot. The slip of paper is removed to reveal the answer. Much to everyone's shock Ohtani chooses to play for the New England Patriots. When told that the Patriots play football not baseball, Ohtani says they had the best pitch. Ohtani replaces Tom Brady and wins 4 Super Bowls, and only years later it's revealed the Patriots stole the Angels presentation to woo him.           

Filed under: MLB, Uncategorized

Tags: Shohei Ohtani


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  • Thanks Sean! Very well done! I enjoy your writing. You bring a clever touch to this baseball blog!

  • Very funny stuff, Sean. We need some levity right now as the Ohtani thing has become a circus with the same pundits who guaranteed he’d be a Yankee now suddenly insisting the Padres will be the choice. With the Cubs need for pitching so dire for the future of our window the whole mess has become too stressful to bear. Levity is much appreciates.

  • What a great way to start the day (clap, clap, clap, clap), deep in the Heart of Texas!!! Very enjoyable and funny!!

  • Your fanciful version of the "Ohtani-capades" can't be any wilder than what's actually happening! Great job, Sean. Thanks for the chuckles.

  • Sean, that is totally hilarious! Great write-up.

    Loved each team's presentation and the unintended results! Great Stuff and a really fun way to look at the whole Ohtani situation!

    thanks for sharing it.

  • Well done...I needed a good laugh today...thanks.

  • I came here for the offseason acquisition contest but this was entertaining. Thanks Sean!

    Also, in all the breathless media speculation about what it is that drives Ohtani, I suspect one factor has been seriously overlooked.

    We have Rizzo, we have Schwarbs, we have Javy, we have Maddon, we have the best fans! (TM), and therefore, by definition, WE HAVE THE MOST FUN!

  • Fun read, Sean!

    How about the Cubs showing some clips of Rizzo climbing into the stands to catch foul balls, AA running through the wall to shag some long ones, Javy being Javy, Willson gunning down yet another would be base stealer, .... and let him know that THESE guys will be playing behind you! And it may not hurt to rerun the story about the Cubs voting a league leading 86 playoff shares and note that these guys will be your teammates. And maybe show pictures of the 5 million plus fans that turned out for the WS parade and make sure he concludes that the Cubs have the best fans in the world!

    Welcome to Chicago, Mr. Ohtani.

  • In reply to DropThePuck:

    I forgot one - show him Kyle's homerun ball encased atop the RF scoreboard. And there's plenty of room for yours, Shohei!

  • You, sir, should have an expanded role with this blog team. We need more of this, and you.

  • Ha Ha! Good article,

  • But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Good Night!

    That was fun. Nice job.

  • Well written, great references, and literally had me laughing out loud.

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