Anarchist's Brunch!- Inside the Garza Talks.

Anarchist's Brunch!- Inside the Garza Talks.

I feel like such a fifth wheel here at Cubs Den this time of year. John and Tom kick so much ass getting information, scouting prospects and reporting and breaking down rumors that my posts kind of feel like the Cialis commercial. If only I had some reliable sources and some people to talk to. Of course, I can always make those people up. And I did. So after talking to my imaginary sources, here is a blow by blow of how the Matt Garza trade talks went...


JD: This is Jon Daniels.

TE: Jon baby. Theo Epstien. Let's stop all this messing around and see if we can get this Garza trade done.

JD: Sounds good to me. I think Yu Darvish just hurt himself ordering a snow cone. How about Mike Olt and a pitcher?

TE: Mike Olt? Isn't he hitting .140?

JD: That's only because his right eye is clouding up. We have medicine for that. Hold on, I got another call.


JD: This is Jon Daniels.

JH: Jon baby. Jed Hoyer. Let's stop all these shenanigans and see if we can't get Matt Garza on a plane to Texas.

JD: I was just talking to Theo about Matt Garza...

JH: That guy's just a figure head. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm the man. Anyway, we're thinking Martin Perez and maybe that Sardinas guy...

JD: Perez? Sardinas? Epstien was talking about Mike Olt and a pitcher.

JH: See? Doesn't really know what he's talking about. Besides, he's too concerned with the Pearl Jam concert.

JD: I gotta think about it.

JH: Don't think too long.


TE: You're talkin to Theo.

JH: T. Wassup. It's the Jed Man. I'm really close to getting Perez and Sardinas for Garza.

TE: No. No no. I'm close to getting Mike Olt and a pitcher.

JH: Mike Olt? Isn't he hitting like .090?

TE: That's only in June. Or something. To be perfectly honest, I'm really more concerned about this Pearl Jam concert. You bring this home. Why don't you call Gordon Wittenmeyer and plant a story that we're talking extension with Garza's agent.

JH: Better yet, I'll call Sullivan and tell him that contract talks are going nowhere.

TE: Why would you do that?

JH: Cause Sullivan never gets anything right...

TE: Sounds good. I'll be playing Golden Tee with Eddie Vedder.


JH: Jed Hoyer:

JD: This is Jon Daniels. Did I just read correctly that you're talking contract extension with Matt Garza? I thought you were trading him TO US!???!!!

JH: Well it's not like we're coming together on names. One day it's Olt. One day it's Perez, next day it's Ramirez. Who can keep track?


JH: It's a new age JD. Tell you what. We'll take the whole bag. Ramirez, Perez, Edwards, and we'll even take Mike Olt off your hands too.

JD: Throw in Russell.

JH: Can't. he's pitching tonight.


JH: What can I say? Dale has him warming up as we speak.

JD: (sigh)...send over the medicals.



JH: It's Jed. the deals practically done. I'm getting a Ramirez, a Perez and Mike Olt.

TE: Mike Olt? Why did you ask for him?

JH: YOU asked for him.

TE: Whatever. I just want this thing over. Hopefully Daniels doesn't notice the small family of gerbils living inside Garza's elbow...


TE: Hello.


TE; Maybe.

JD: WHAT do you mean maybe?!!?!

TE: Well, we think it's gerbils, not hamsters. If you look closely, you can see some tails....

JD: Well the deals off.....

TE: I'm afraid you're going to have to reconsider.

JD: How do you figure.

TE: Well a report is about to come out that the medical reports on one of the prospects you're sending us shows an injury or two.....

JD: Dammit, did you send Garza's medical records to Sullivan?

TE: I'm afraid we did. How soon can we put Garza on a train to Texas?

JD: Train? What about a plane?

TE: Ricketts can't really afford a plane ticket right now.

JD (SIGH) you back.....


TE: Finally.... JD, is it done?

Operator: This is AT&T we're cutting you off because you haven't paid your bill.....

TE: But.....but......but we're so close to getting this nightmare done.....CRANNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Last night's game looked like it was going to be a one sided affair. Eventually it did turn into a one sided affair. And when the Cubs did try and make something of the game they thought "Nah let's keep it a one sided affair." In Brief.


Carlos Villanueva had nothing. He got pounded. 7 earned runs on 9 hits in 4 innings. Yick. It could be one of those games. Or it could be a Colorado-phobia as he has never pitched well against the Rockies. Bowdenand Rondon were very good in 3 innings of relief. Blake Parker wasn't in his one inning, giving up 2 runs.


DJ Lemahieu continues to pound the Cubs. Another two hits. He's like 15-for-36 against the Cubs. He also made a very heads up play when caught in a run down he reversed course and ran right into Starlin Castro and drawing an interference call. Real headdy play buy a guy who's always into the game. And naturally, he did it against Castro, who if he played the game like Lemahieu, would be a perennial all-star.

There was nothing fun about last night's game. The Cubs will have a shortened bullpen, so hopefully Multiple Ed will come up strong and go 6-7 innings and turn it over to Russell-Strop-Save Bot 6300. He pitches against Tyler Chatwood ( and I don't care.). Onwards.


All kidding aside, Arguello and Loxas have been absolutely ace, practically leading the media charge in covering these Garza rumors. It's a pleasure to work with them.

This by far is my favorite GIF of the week.

Can't wait to start my Alfonso Soriano for Joba Chamberlain rumor.....

I'm listening to the Kinks "Give the people what they want" album this morning. But I feel like morphing into some early Dylan. Whatever has "Positively 4th street." on it.

I've heard nothing but good things about the Pearl Jam show once they eventually got to playing.

I do wonder how annoyed Epstoyer must be with a hyperventilating press and fan base. In the end it's one hand in a series of hands. Yet the whole glee club is putting the mortgage on this one Garza trade. Must be annoying.

Junior Lake will be a top 3 highlight for August and maybe even September.

I have to still watch in September right Arguello....?



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  • fb_avatar

    Felzzy, you are not a fifth wheel. You are much need stress relief from the grind, because you make everyone, except a few who have no sense of humor to begin with, laugh.

  • Love the play by play comic genius commentary Adam! There's no fifth wheel, just a rotating spotlight....

  • Nicely played sir

  • Thank you sirs....

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    Felzzy, I see men in black suits, along with black SUV's and black helicopters and a FEMA camp, in your future. The NSA doesn't like people hacking into their phone transcripts database.

  • flippin awesome brunch , still drunk from last nights debauchery but laughing so hard at the Garza gate phone call scenerios , well done sir!!

  • Russell has high value, similar to Sean M, don't throw him into any deal. Our trade for Travis Wood for Sean M. was agreat one.

  • Gee, and all this time I thought Jon and Tom were working for you! ;-)

  • I'll be at Coors with my family today. RF bleachers. My wife will adore the mountain view and chit-chat with the Columbia College alumni group as I wish I was sitting closer - no - as I wish I was sitting in Wrigley.

  • In reply to HackWilson09:

    I will be there as well, in a similar location. My goal is to teach the 6 year-old how to keep score and follow defensive players on each play to see how they work in concert on defense. I expect to fail miserably on both attempts, but I'll give my best effort.

  • 1. You didn't say which prospect was concussed.

    2. It was not an AT&T bill. If land line, more than likely they were using a VoIP provider. If cellular, it probably was Sprint, to whom U.S. Cellular sold its Chicago business.

  • Thanks, you just made my morning!

  • So that's where Lemmiwinks ended up, in Matt Garza's elbow.

    Lol good read.

  • Lake's first eight at bats (from MLB):

    Speed Pitch Result
    1 90 Fastball (Four-seam) In play, double

    1 74 Curveball Ball
    2 82 Splitter Swinging Strike
    3 83 Splitter Swinging Strike
    4 82 Splitter Foul
    5 86 Slider Ball
    6 82 Slider In play, ground out to pitcher

    1 73 Curveball Swinging Strike
    2 92 Fastball (Two-seam) Foul
    3 86 Slider Ball
    4 83 Slider In play, single to left

    1 92 Fastball (Four-seam) In play, single to right

    1 90 Fastball (Four-seam) Foul
    2 85 Slider Ball
    3 92 Fastball (Four-seam) Ball
    4 92 Fastball (Four-seam) Ball
    5 90 Fastball (Four-seam) Foul
    6 91 Fastball (Four-seam) Foul
    7 84 Slider Ball, Walk

    1 84 Slider Ball
    2 92 Fastball (Four-seam) Ball
    3 91 Fastball (Four-seam) Called Strike
    4 ? ? In play, single to left

    1 ? ? Called Strike
    2 ? ? Swinging Strike
    3 ? ? Ball
    4 ? ? Ball
    5 ? ? Ball
    6 ? ? Swinging Strike, K

    1 93 Fastball (Four-seam) Ball
    2 93 Fastball (Four-seam) Ball
    3 93 Fastball (Four-seam) Called Strike
    4 94 Fastball (Four-seam) In play, ground out to first

    Seems like he has a pretty good approach.

  • Ring, Ring, Ring

    TE: Jed, how long we gonna have to wait before Arguello gets a post up this morning?

    JH: I know, dude. You never know when he's gonna put something up. He's so random.

    TE: Listen, next time you talk to hose guys, tell him to set up some sort of system for them to sen out texts or emails to guys subsribed to Cubs Den so we'll know when he's got a new article up.

    JH: I know. Like yesterday I checked checked the site like 20 times waing for something new. Yeah, that'd be nice.

    JE: You see Felz's thing this morning!

    JH: Yeah, hilarious! But kinda scary that he actually almost has it right, huh?

    TE: I know. Man, Arguellos stuff is the shit, but man Felzz is the best. Busts me up every time.

    JH: No shit. He's got at least one perfectly witty line in every piece. You see he say he feels like a fifth wheel?

    TE: Yeah. And I was like, Fifth wheel? Iand Im like if John is Moe, then Felzz is Curly!

    JH: Yeah, but boss, you know Curly was all about gags and you know Felzz is all wit and clever shit so I wouldn't say he's Curly.

    TE: Jed, let me explain how metaphors work. . . . Oh, forget it.

    JH: Look I know metaphors. I'm just sayin. I'd say he's more George Carlin.

    TE: Yeah, but Carlin wasn't part of a team so see I just used the stooges cause . . . .

    JH: Hmmm.

    TE: Wait got It, Kraemer?

    JH: Well, hmmm, lemme think . . . he said lots of funny shit, but he's gags and pratfalls too. So . . .

    TE: Alright, alright. Oh! Oh! I got it! Felz is Jeff Garlin to John's Larry David.

    JH: I think you. . .

    TE: Shit. Hold it. I'll call ya back. It's Daniels calling again. I better take it

  • Nondorf's new name is Hammer, because he just nailed us....

    Yuk Yuk Yuk....

    Well done sir.

  • For whatever it's worth, here's my thinking. When the Cubs are playing out West, I usually wait until the morning to wrap. It's late, nobody is up to read it, and those that are are usually in the middle of Asmirendy Alcantarra's game at Tennessee. Don't need two threads stepping on each other. Today won't be a problem as it's a day game, but going forward, that's usually when I post.

    John clearly took the day with the lack of rumors and news. And that's kinda understandable, as he updated the rumor posts every 15 minutes for the last three days.

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    Dude. That was freaking hilarious.

  • Glad you liked it.

  • fb_avatar

    You realize that brunch is a heart attack on a plate, right? ;)
    As a doc, I feel it's my job to educate/nudge/guilt/scare people into better lifestyles whenever possible.

  • It's a total heart attack. But when you google "brunch" you get a lot of heart attack pictures.....

    Will try and change it up in the future.

  • In reply to felzz:

    Here are some possibilities:

  • hey guys, i have followed this site for about a year and have absolutely loved it! I have never felt a reason to comment, but after reading this, I decided to create an account so I could tell felzz that this was hilarious. well done and thanks for the laugh. such a good blend of writers talents on this site. keep up the great work.

  • Thank you very much Cdubs.

    And welcome. Don't be a stranger.

  • Adam,

    Great post! Loved it! Thanks a lot.

  • Hahaha.. Train.

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