I feel like such a fifth wheel here at Cubs Den this time of year. John and Tom kick so much ass getting information, scouting prospects and reporting and breaking down rumors that my posts kind of feel like the Cialis commercial. If only I had some reliable sources and some people to talk to. Of course, I can always make those people up. And I did. So after talking to my imaginary sources, here is a blow by blow of how the Matt Garza trade talks went...
JD: This is Jon Daniels.
TE: Jon baby. Theo Epstien. Let's stop all this messing around and see if we can get this Garza trade done.
JD: Sounds good to me. I think Yu Darvish just hurt himself ordering a snow cone. How about Mike Olt and a pitcher?
TE: Mike Olt? Isn't he hitting .140?
JD: That's only because his right eye is clouding up. We have medicine for that. Hold on, I got another call.
JD: This is Jon Daniels.
JH: Jon baby. Jed Hoyer. Let's stop all these shenanigans and see if we can't get Matt Garza on a plane to Texas.
JD: I was just talking to Theo about Matt Garza...
JH: That guy's just a figure head. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm the man. Anyway, we're thinking Martin Perez and maybe that Sardinas guy...
JD: Perez? Sardinas? Epstien was talking about Mike Olt and a pitcher.
JH: See? Doesn't really know what he's talking about. Besides, he's too concerned with the Pearl Jam concert.
JD: I gotta think about it.
JH: Don't think too long.
TE: You're talkin to Theo.
JH: T. Wassup. It's the Jed Man. I'm really close to getting Perez and Sardinas for Garza.
TE: No. No no. I'm close to getting Mike Olt and a pitcher.
JH: Mike Olt? Isn't he hitting like .090?
TE: That's only in June. Or something. To be perfectly honest, I'm really more concerned about this Pearl Jam concert. You bring this home. Why don't you call Gordon Wittenmeyer and plant a story that we're talking extension with Garza's agent.
JH: Better yet, I'll call Sullivan and tell him that contract talks are going nowhere.
TE: Why would you do that?
JH: Cause Sullivan never gets anything right...
TE: Sounds good. I'll be playing Golden Tee with Eddie Vedder.
JH: Jed Hoyer:
JD: This is Jon Daniels. Did I just read correctly that you're talking contract extension with Matt Garza? I thought you were trading him TO US!???!!!
JH: Well it's not like we're coming together on names. One day it's Olt. One day it's Perez, next day it's Ramirez. Who can keep track?
JD: THAT'S BECAUSE THERE"S TWO OF YOU AND YOU KEEP ASKING FOR DIFFERENT PLAYERS!
JH: It's a new age JD. Tell you what. We'll take the whole bag. Ramirez, Perez, Edwards, and we'll even take Mike Olt off your hands too.
JD: Throw in Russell.
JH: Can't. he's pitching tonight.
JD: YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GAME. IT'S THE ALL-STAR BREAK!!!!
JH: What can I say? Dale has him warming up as we speak.
JD: (sigh)...send over the medicals.
TE: FOR THE LAST TIME VEDDER, IT'S NOT RAINING. GET OUT THERE AND PLAY..... Theo.
JH: It's Jed. the deals practically done. I'm getting a Ramirez, a Perez and Mike Olt.
TE: Mike Olt? Why did you ask for him?
JH: YOU asked for him.
TE: Whatever. I just want this thing over. Hopefully Daniels doesn't notice the small family of gerbils living inside Garza's elbow...
JD: THIS IS JON DANIELS! DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A SMALL FAMILY OF HAMSTERS LIVING IN MATT GARZA'S ELBOW?!!!??!
JD: WHAT do you mean maybe?!!?!
TE: Well, we think it's gerbils, not hamsters. If you look closely, you can see some tails....
JD: Well the deals off.....
TE: I'm afraid you're going to have to reconsider.
JD: How do you figure.
TE: Well a report is about to come out that the medical reports on one of the prospects you're sending us shows an injury or two.....
JD: Dammit, did you send Garza's medical records to Sullivan?
TE: I'm afraid we did. How soon can we put Garza on a train to Texas?
JD: Train? What about a plane?
TE: Ricketts can't really afford a plane ticket right now.
JD (SIGH)....call you back.....
TE: Finally.... JD, is it done?
Operator: This is AT&T we're cutting you off because you haven't paid your bill.....
TE: But.....but......but we're so close to getting this nightmare done.....CRANNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Last night's game looked like it was going to be a one sided affair. Eventually it did turn into a one sided affair. And when the Cubs did try and make something of the game they thought "Nah let's keep it a one sided affair." In Brief.
BURNING DOWN THE NEW HOUSE.
Carlos Villanueva had nothing. He got pounded. 7 earned runs on 9 hits in 4 innings. Yick. It could be one of those games. Or it could be a Colorado-phobia as he has never pitched well against the Rockies. Bowdenand Rondon were very good in 3 innings of relief. Blake Parker wasn't in his one inning, giving up 2 runs.
YOU WERE MY FAVORITE DJ, SINCE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN.
DJ Lemahieu continues to pound the Cubs. Another two hits. He's like 15-for-36 against the Cubs. He also made a very heads up play when caught in a run down he reversed course and ran right into Starlin Castro and drawing an interference call. Real headdy play buy a guy who's always into the game. And naturally, he did it against Castro, who if he played the game like Lemahieu, would be a perennial all-star.
There was nothing fun about last night's game. The Cubs will have a shortened bullpen, so hopefully Multiple Ed will come up strong and go 6-7 innings and turn it over to Russell-Strop-Save Bot 6300. He pitches against Tyler Chatwood ( and I don't care.). Onwards.
ODDS and SODS.
All kidding aside, Arguello and Loxas have been absolutely ace, practically leading the media charge in covering these Garza rumors. It's a pleasure to work with them.
Can't wait to start my Alfonso Soriano for Joba Chamberlain rumor.....
I'm listening to the Kinks "Give the people what they want" album this morning. But I feel like morphing into some early Dylan. Whatever has "Positively 4th street." on it.
I've heard nothing but good things about the Pearl Jam show once they eventually got to playing.
I do wonder how annoyed Epstoyer must be with a hyperventilating press and fan base. In the end it's one hand in a series of hands. Yet the whole glee club is putting the mortgage on this one Garza trade. Must be annoying.
Junior Lake will be a top 3 highlight for August and maybe even September.
I have to still watch in September right Arguello....?