What I want for Mother's Day is recognition. But not the type you would expect. I want others to recognize, identify my family for who they are. You see, as a self proclaimed savant of movies and uniquely hilarious sitcoms, I may have found a way to use my gift of memorized movie quotes to poke fun at who my family really is... in the form of a t-shirt.
You see, I love my family. Or at least I think I signed some type of avadavat while filing our marriage certificate at the court house and the birth certificates at the hospital that legally binds me to have to say this. The reality is, I certainly don't always feel it. I mean, love... yeah, I love them all. You know, the kind of love where I would probably through myself in front of a moving vehicle to save them. But like them ? ALL OF THE TIME? That's a different story.
And during this pseudo-holiday time of year when it's all about "acknowledging our mother's", I think it is only fair to say that one day is not enough, especially when they shit on you the other 364 days out of the year.
So, instead of roses, a box a candy, a semi-heartfelt-mostly-sarcastic card and last nights warmed up pizza delivered at 6 a.m. as breakfast in bed, I would like to expose my reality. That would give me so much pleasure.
So with that I present the Family Shaming Tee Shirt Collection.
For my children, all three of them, I will create a shirt similar to a football jersey. They will be identified by name on the back as well as their birth order. On the front will the famous quote from Wedding Crashers, so eloquently spoken by Will Ferrell, who played Chaz, "Hey Ma! The Meatloaf! We Want It Now"
My husband will don a soft blue tee shirt, one that pulls out the color in his eyes, with his name on the back as well. The front of his shirt will have the familiar quote from the Larry David production of Curb Your Enthusiasm, well spoken by Crazy Eyes, "Yo, Delicious... Pick that Shit Up!"
I guess that sounds quite harsh, and I assure you I am not an abused woman... so no need to call in the Calvary. It's just that, aside from working to start a business, attempting to raise semi-decent children that are at least suitable in public and maintain a marriage after 19 years of growth and change, I often find myself drowning in the commands, mocking gestures and high-maintenance demands of the life obstacles I reside with.
So, in closing... to all the mothers out there that feel this way, just know that you are not alone. I stand next to you in solidarity, as a member of the large growing group of the underappreciated and overworked. Dress your own brood in the Family Shaming Tee Shirts and we can gawk from the side lines as we parade our loved ones down the street in full recognition of the type of mothers day we deserve. We can even throw candy at them!