For the last couple weeks I've been experiencing what I can best describe as "head up ass-itis." I feel like I've thrown 20 balls in the air and not only do I have to catch them all, I also need to organize them before they hit me on the head. Want to guess how well that's going?
Amidst juggling life, I've committed to spending a more time on my yoga mat. I'm not a yogi. I don't have fancy workout clothes. Though a little firming to my 45 year old ass would be nice, I'm really just trying to get my head out of it...my ass that is.
Although the workout is harder than most people imagine, I'm more amazed by the struggle.
See, I'm kind of an accidental control freak.
I swear, it's not really my nature.
I've even backpacked through Europe for eight weeks with no plan.
But then came kids...and schedules...and meetings...and practices...and projects...and they all needed to be done NOW.
So I've become a little neurotic about time:
...but not often enough enjoying it.
Ironically, I realize it most on my yoga mat. Not because it's my happy place, but because that's where all of my shit seems to find me.
I'm comfortable doing 15 different tasks in a day...there's constant movement. But although there's a flow to the yoga class, there are also pauses. And it's in that stillness where I get uncomfortable.
How can we hold here? There's more to do before class ends!
To shift my gaze...
To alter a sequence...
To hold a little longer all create the same risk...I'll lose my balance.
It's not a need for perfection. It's the fear that if I stumble, who will catch all of the proverbial balls in the air?
The instructors often tell stories. Sometimes they're meant as motivation, other times as distractions so you don't realize how damn long you're staying in a pose.
Last week I caught myself waiting for the lesson: waiting to hear some wisdom- some encouragement- that seemed to apply exactly to me. It was only when I stopped listening for it that I finally heard it...
Take what you need.
It was meant as an option for us to use a moment as our body needed...a stretch, a rest...
Take what you need.
Especially as women, we don't do that. We don't give ourselves permission to take-
...or to need.
Remember when I told everyone to F*%k off, I'm trying to be Zen?
The message was here again.
We have to give ourselves permission to take what we need. Maybe it's a walk around the block, maybe a weekend away, maybe just to pee in peace and quiet. And if one of those balls happens to fall out of the air while we're doing it, it's ok.
Time doesn't wait for us. We don't get to DVR it, we don't get to pause it, and we can't micromanage every minute of it. But, we can take a few extra minutes to enjoy it.
It's in those moments of taking what we need where we find the clarity.
We find the strength.
And we find the energy to handle all of those balls in the air.
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