To say today's end-of-the-month meeting didn't go so well would be an understatement.
Much like a Festivus celebration, the airing of grievances portion of the afternoon was a real eye opener.
Apparently, the reasons things are tense around the workplace fall in one lap.
Their issues in a nutshell?
I create a "hostile work environment" because I am so very mean. Like, incredibly mean.
You want an example? Because, trust me, they had plenty.
- I told the cashier she couldn't eat her omelet at the register while she rang out the breakfast rush.
- I nixed the practice of updating their Facebook Status during working hours.
- I made them remake the ten pounds of bacon they burned beyond recognition for the breakfast catering upstairs for the execs.
- I insist the drawer balances. Daily.
- I make 'em wear the hairnets and vinyl gloves. All.The.Time. Sheesh.
I agreed. I'm a real bitch.
That's why I make the big bucks and have a chair that spins in my dark-windowless office in the back of the storeroom.
The same storeroom that serves as housing for Marvin the Mouse and his growing family.
Until the ass-kisser of the crowd suddenly spoke up.
"Yeah-I really don't like being stuck in one place all day long - maybe you could give me something in the office to do - so I could help you - maybe then you wouldn't be so stressed."
Nice try, Brown Nose.
This was the perfect opportunity to set them all straight.
My job would be a hell of a lot easier if they would all simply do their job.
As they filed out, I assured them I'd take all of their "ideas" into consideration.
Because, I did hear their complaints. Really. Loud and clear.
As I spun around in my cool chair - I thought about what transpired.
I am mean. A big, fat meanie. But that doesn't necessarily make me a complete asshat.
Maybe I wouldn't be such a mean ole meanie if I didn't have to waste so much time wondering if I look more like Charlie Brown's teacher than I sound.
Wah Wah Wah Wah
Or perhaps I was a parrot in a past life - because I definitely could medal in a "repeating yourself" event if it were ever featured in the Olympics.
I thought about it even more on the long ride home - and put together a list in my head of the reasons why.
Ten reasons why their boss is so goddamn mean...
#10 - Because I'm tired. Seriously, so goddamn tired. Doing your job, in addition to mine, is fricking exhausting.
#9 - Because I have to entertain stupid questions. "What column do cheese sticks go in?" Are.You.Fucking.Kidding.ME? (BTW...the choices were produce, meat, dry goods or dairy)
#8 - Because I'm running out of ways to answer stupid questions - without sounding like a mean ole asshole.
#7 - Because at this point in my life, if I started drinking again - I'd never stop. Ever.
#6 - Because you keep forgetting your open-toed shoes and thinking cap at home on Inventory Day.
#5 - Because you can't master the spell check feature on the computer. Monty Christo's ?!? Really? (Really - I can't make this shit up.)
#4 - Because this is hardly rocket science. It's a flippin' cafeteria.
#3 - Because I think "Sorry, I'm not coming in - I have explosive diarrhea" is a real shitty excuse to miss work.
#2 - Because putting together and placing a $200 Pepsi order shouldn't take anyone 3.5 hours. Ever.
#1 - Because the best time to let me know you're 86-ing ketchup or pop cups or lettuce or ANYTHING for that matter, shouldn't be three seconds after you run out. That shit makes me stabby.
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