Somewhere A Village Is Missing An Idiot

Somewhere A Village Is Missing An Idiot

Guess what? I found him.  A dope dressed in a purple silk shirt, pinstriped gaberdine pants, carrying an absurd amount  of change in his front pocket

Can someone please claim this clown?  Sorry- I can't deal.

I've long been convinced the intellects in the world lack common sense.  Common sense is a skill that cannot be taught.  You either have it or you don't.

BREAKING...DoucheBag McDermott hasn't a shred.

My day is spent fixing problems.  Today was no different.

Enter Douche Bag McDermott.

Poor McDermott.  He's got a problem.  A problem frickin big.

He just finished paying for his lunch.  A 6-inch Philly sandwich, bag of chips and a 16-ounce drink.   This opportunity of a lifetime fetches $3.75-add tax-and this meal sets one back $4.05.

You're probably thinking - what's the goddamn problem.  Yeah-you and me both.  So I ask.  What transpired can only be described as ten minutes of my life I'm never getting back.

And, I'm not okay with that.

McDermott wants to make a "suggestion".  Perhaps we have a box.  I tell him to lay it on me-I'll make mental notes.

Seems the fella is PISSED about the "Special Price" (just to be clear those are his air quotes-not mine).  Every day he buys it and every day he gets .95 back in change.

His suggestion?  Can I drop the price so he can get the"meal-fit-for-a-king special for four bucks"-so he doesn't have to deal with the change.

I force a "can do" smile and promise the bag of douche I'll look into it-all the while I make a few suggestions in my head.

Things like this:

  • I'd like for the cashier to reissue your change-in fucking nickels.  Problem solved for the next nineteen specials.


  • When I pony up to the Target counter and my tab comes to 97.02-I dig deep and find two pennies-otherwise I'm stuck with 98 cents.  And that's MY problem.  My buddies at the Bullseye aren't going to reconfigure the price scale because I have a problem with carrying change.  You pay what the cash register says-there is no negotiation.  


  • If I'm changing prices're not going to like which direction this train is headed.  How does five bucks sound?  Then you won't have to deal with nickels OR singles.


  • Are you willing to entertain a suggestion or two regarding your daytime fashion choices?


  • Two words for you buddy:  Debit.Card.


  • Where can I score a deal like this-a six-inch sandwich, chips and a diet coke to wash it all down my gullet for four bucks and a nickel?  For a deal like that the lady at the register can give me back ninety-five pennies.


  • I'm fairly certain this guy still lives in his mom's basement.  Make that really certain.


  • Seriously, Asshole, you realize people woke up today with real problems-like cancer diagnoses, divorce dilemmas, and trying to decide if they should pay the electric bill or buy dinner for the kids tonight. And your main worry in life is how annoying 95 cents can be clanging around your trousers?!?  Here's a suggestion for you:  Cough up a goddamn nickel at the register.  Problem.Frickin.Solved.


As I'm knocking these ideas around in my head, I notice Douche Bag McDermott noticing the look on my face-and if I'm being honest it was probably a mix of utter confusion and disbelief with a WTF chaser.

I think - this guy cannot possibly be serious.

Apparently, he is. Serious as a heart attack, this one. His nasally voice is like nails on a chalkboard...

"Hey, I'm not kidding.  I'm serious."

And somehow, I find it quite difficult not to laugh in his face.

But, I need this stupid job.  So I smiled and nodded and told him I'd look into it.

Suffice it to say-I'm not looking far.

Like I said at the beginning-if your village is missing an idiot-I've got him.

Please claim him-I can't deal.

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