Catering a turkey dinner for 650 a week before Thanksgiving.
What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Instead of making myself a list of what I need to do...I'm making a list of how this endeavor has been effed up from the word go.
1. Got word of this freakshow two months ago...with a promise from Guy Smiley that we'd go over what kind of support I would need from corporate soon, then early next week, then late the next, next week, and then back to soon, then a "Hey, I'm busy ... maybe next week.
All you need to do is cook up a few birds...we've got the rest.
2. Fast forward to last Thursday...can you make the gravy? How much gravy?
1/3 cup a person according to Google. That's 13.923 gallons. For the average person.
These folks are anything but average. Feedbags have been strapped on since word leaked the company was providing free lunch a week before Thanksgiving.
3. Fast forward to last Friday...Oh, by the way...we need potatoes. Real potatoes. I'm sending seven cases of boil in the bag variety. Ok?
OK...OK?!? I say. No. Not Okay.
Between the 14 gallons of gravy and the 250 pounds of potatoes, I should have started boiling the water tower about a month before I found out about this shindig.
4. I'm Screwed. Screwed Royally.
5. P.S. by the way...you've got 50 lbs of corn, 50 lbs of green beans, a couple cases of stuffing, 12 turkey breasts and a case of cranberry sauce coming your way. Prep it for back up. We might run out.
6. I refer you back to the bunson burner. And remind you I'm cooking for 650 on it.
7. My grill cook quit on Tuesday...as I was unloading the "use in case of emergency" order.
8. Didn't necessarily quit so much as walked out. Call me temperamental, but I require closure.
Get in my face...tell me to fuck off after you tell me to take my job and shove it as you offer me a single middle finger salute. Sheesh.
Don't tell me you're going to the bathroom, sneak into the office, leave your smock crumbled in a ball on the floor.
9. Seriously. Don't do that shit. Don't reduce me to playing Sherlock Holmes during a week when I'm trying to channel my inner Rachel Ray. Don't.Do.That
1o. Oh, yes. She did.
11. Guy Smiley on line 4. Do you need an extra pair of hands for Thursday?
12. An extra pair of hands...as long as they aren't attached to Psycho Susie.
13. Seriously. Please don't send Susie.
14. The turkey breasts. Still frozen.
15. If I get a chance I need to make flowers out of a case of radishes.
16. It's t-minus 5 hours until I have to turn off the alarm. I can't get in the building until 5 a.m.
17. It is t-minus twelve hours till the heifers strap on their feedbags for the feast...a free feast...
18. I know the 250 lbs of mashed aren't going to be enough. Neither is the 15 gallons of gravy. Not even close.
19. I should have issued wristbands. These clowns will be coming through over and over. Shit be free.
20. I'm screwed.