90-Day Workplace Probationary Period Is Over ~ The Things I Have Learned Along the Way

90-Day Workplace Probationary Period Is Over ~ The Things I Have Learned Along the Way

Yesterday marks three-months at this hell-hole.

How awesome is it that I can officially add three months as a working-manager to my "jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none" resume?

They say experience is the best teacher...I give you twenty things I have learned over the course of ninety days.

1.  You can scrub eight-years' worth of grease and grime with any number of chemical concoctions...and yield little or no result.  A steaming bucket of H2O and a half-a-gallon of vinegar, however, makes that shit melt like butter.   Don't believe me?  Look what it has done for the hooha over the years.

2.  Unemployment hearings are not fun.  At all.  Trust your instincts...and document EVERYTHING.  Sure Broom-Hilda was an asshole...but the good people on the other end of the line won't accept that as a valid reason to be fired.

3.  Amazingly enough, this pigsty does not house any critters/creepy crawlers.  Even rodents have standards.

4.  In the event the ice machine stops making the frozen cubes, plug, unplug, replug and be sure to follow that up with a few swift-kicks to its side.  That should get Betsy cranking.

5.  Don't call security on a potential counterfeit bill scofflaw until you verify that you swiped that bill with the "special marker" and not the regular black one.  (oh, yes, I did).

6.  This place isn't quite the freak-show I thought it was going to be...Nope, if I'm being honest, I'd have to say it is a goddamn circus.

7.  Hey, guess what...the dishwasher is not broken after all.  It just needs some soap.  Dishpan Dan  in the dish room assures me he has never added any since he started (hey, can he help it that no one ever showed him?) .  For the record, he celebrated his 90th day in January of 2011.

8.  The walk-in freezer waits for Inventory Day to go on the fritz.  Apparently 72-hours is the magic number for a 20-lb ham to go from frozen solid to questionable mush.

9.  Enrollment/pizza puff sales bottom out right after spring break/financial aid check distribution.

10.  Casanova the Cook can't cook.  Case in point:  His secret lasagna sauce is buffalo sauce.  His secret buffalo sauce recipe:  marinara + mayo + thyme.  Ole ~ that's Italian.

11.  A block of frozen soup with way too much water isn't going to come up to temp in my lifetime if it starts out in the steam table...no matter what Casanova says.  See # 10...the dude can't cook.

12.  Thank God the lady from the Health Department was so freaked out about the filth of the place she didn't see what was growing on the walls of Casanova's cooler.

13.  Dishpan Dan and Stock-em-Up Stevie have two speeds.  Slow and Stop.

14.  We have one phone line...and a dial up computer...the credit card machine is hooked up to both and renders itself useless in the event phone/puter are being used.  Amazingly enough the calendar in my office reads 2013 not 1993.

15.  Benefits don't kick in until the first of the month...following your 90-day milestone...huh?

16.  The irate customer grossed out that Matilda's ungloved hand touched her croissant thinks nothing of reaching into her sweaty bra to retrieve the $4.33 necessary to cover the tab.

17.  The majority of your day will not necessarily be spent making the tough decisions...nope.  You'll spend most of the day ringing up 25 cent cups of ice.

18.  The rest of the time is spent unwadding crumpled up bills dug out of pockets and exchanging "solid dollars" for ziploc bags full of change for bus fare.

19.  Salaried position is code for "only-suckers-need-apply".

20.  The fact a tetanus shot was not included with the pre-employ physical/drug screen continues to baffle me.  Almost as much as the fact a hazmat suit was not offered in lieu of a uniform smock.  Whatever.


Sure, the joint isn't ideal. but it beats the alternative.  In this economy, I'm lucky to have a job at all.  Here is to the next 90 days...

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