Two years of abstinence, what I've learned

abstinenceIt seems like yesterday, but today marks two years since I decided to start practicing abstinence.  It wasn't due to any cultural, spiritual, nor religious reasons whatsoever.  I opted to do this due to the simple fact that I don't very much enjoy sex.  I've never enjoyed the act of sex, and I tried sex with both men and women so it isn't because of that.  I recall the moment two years ago when I decided to enter the world of abstinence.

I was sitting at the airport in Austin, TX awaiting my flight back to Chicago after spending a week at the Gay Softball World Series surrounded by hundreds of gay men from all over the country.  When mother nature decided to rain out most of the world series, I decided to take advantage of this vacation in both physical and intellectual ways.  Every time I hooked up, I would balance it out by doing something intellectual to provide my aura some much needed balance.  After each hook up, I would leave and have the classic Bjork song 'There's more to life than this' playing in my head.

So as I was awaiting my flight back, I thought back over my life and realized at that moment that I've never enjoyed sex all that much.  Some periods of my life, I found it to be nice and fulfilling.. other times, it felt like a chore and I realized that at this stage, it was more of a chore than an actual past time I enjoyed.  So I made the decision that day to take a break from it for a few months to get to know myself better.  A few months has turned into two years... I guess I'm still trying to get to know myself better LOL

In the last two years I've renewed my love of reading, of writing, of biking, of observing the rich tapestry of life, and of not needing to change myself to fit into the gay, or straight, community.  The downside is that I'm more apathetic about life and the longer I'm abstaining from sex, the harder it is to get myself back out there.  It's the age old question of the chicken and the egg.. what came first.  In my case, I wonder what came first... the apathy or the act of abstaining from sex.  A question one has to answer for oneself.

Growing up, I heard so much about the joys of sex and I do admit I was curious about the whole concept of sex and was excited to see this big change one goes through once you lose your virginity.  Imagine my disappointment when I realized that the anticipation was better than the actual act.  Give me my vivid dreams and fantasies any day over the actual act.  At least in fantasy, my hair stays in place and I don't sweat :)

Like anything in life, abstinence has good and bad sides to it.  I figured two years ago that I wasn't enjoying it so instead of trying to fake it, I would just accept that not everyone is meant to love it.  I've been told by a few random people that I should go to a doctor to get that corrected.. but anything invented by the medical community always carries nasty side effects so not going down that road.  I think this is just one of the many things nature puts into place to keep the natural order of things, and messing with it by using man made methods can cause more damage to individuals and society as a whole... sometimes.

So as I started my 3rd year of abstinence, I will just continue to live my life in the best way I can even if society (both straight and gay) look at me as a freak.  This too shall pass.


Filed under: Musings

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