I’m almost in tears right now. I am sitting on my bed typing to you with real waterworks building behind my eyelids. However, it may not be for the reasons you think.
A little background first. I’m turning thirty in April. That’s right. The big 3-0. I’m not really freaking out about it. Well not that much anyway. I mean it’s just a number right? I mean maybe it’s hard to realize your life is not where you ever expected to be when you turned 30. No kids. No husband. No house. Etc. Etc. Etc. You’ve heard it all before.
So in an effort to make myself live life up a little bit in lieu of the above life “achievements” I decided I was going to travel more this year. I mean, a kids and husband would make it harder to pick up willy nilly and fly around the world at a moment’s notice. I’m privileged in that and I plan on taking advantage of that privilege. Don’t worry married parents, I still envy you.
I discovered this little magic website called SkyScanner. I put in that I wanted to take a trip around March. That’s all I told it. It gave me the dates and destinations that were the cheapest to fly to during the month of March.
If I wanted to leave the US, the Dominican Republic was cheapest but that seemed a little “simple” for my taste. I’m not a lay on a beach and tan type of woman. I want to explore.
Next up? Costa Rica. I am Costa Rica bound. So in an effort to prepare for the trip, I did what 99% of women dread, or so I thought. I pulled out all of my bathing suits. For a woman who detests putting them on, I sure had a lot! Since I only wear a bathing suit once or twice a year, they don’t really wear out I suppose.
I started with an oldie but a goodie. A brown tankini backless two piece with boy shorts. Well it’s from about 10 years ago so and I have gained a good 30 pounds. I did not see this going well! Why do us women choose to torture ourselves.
Well in the comfort of my own home instead of a dressing room filled with unflattering florescent lights, I pulled on and tied the suit. I walked over to the full length mirror. Low and behold, I was right. It didn’t fit. What I didn’t expect is that I didn’t look at myself with disgust. Weird. Definitely not going to Costa Rica with me.
Confused by my emotions, I pulled on a second suit. A purple and grey tankini and bikini bottoms. Also a few years old. Again it did not fit. I had bat fat and my stomach was showing and my top half didn’t quite have enough space. If you know me, you know that isn’t a hard feat to achieve. Despite it not fitting though, the thought, I don’t look half bad crossed my mind. In fact, I found myself feeling good. What?!
Even more confused at this point, I decided to go completely rogue and pull on a two piece bikini that I had ordered as weight loss inspiration. Come on gals- you’ve done this before! Bought a pair of jeans or a swimsuit just out of your reach, or in my case far out of your reach, in the efforts to light a weight loss fire under your ass. Ya doesn’t work.
A two piece. No stomach coverage. I walked over to the mirror still thinking this is going to be bad and it wasn’t. Yes. There’s cellulite. There is a moderate muffin top. There are curves galore. My skin is paled from winter and my hair is in a messy pony tail. And I smiled. I looking at my stomach, my lack of the fairy tale of a thigh gap, the extra weight around my sides and arms and I smiled.
It was then, at my highest weight ever, in the smallest swimsuit I have ever worn that I realized I am giving myself the best milestone birthday present ever. I am finally after 29 years and 10 months, comfortable with my body.
Granted there were no hot guys around. No women who I envy. Just me, myself and I. The real test I suppose will be how I feel about myself while swimming in the Pacific with a tour group wearing said swimsuit. You’ll have to wait for that blog but in the meantime, I’m proud of where I have become.
I’m not at the weight I always dreamed about but I have the attitude that I always imagined would come with the weight I dreamed about, confident and comfortable.
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