Do you ever wake in the morning not recognizing the mess in front of you? Do you cringe in regret for the dumb statements made the night before? I do and it sucks. I never once considered I might have depression. I was not the me I grew to love. I was a shell that was cracked and distorted. I needed to get myself back. Was it the myriad of health issues? I am sure it had something to do with it but if I am to say that my diseases do not define then I need answers. It was time to show myself and the ones that I love that even though I am fractured that I could be fixed.
I have a therapist, you know because I am required to as a comedian we are all fucked in the head. Anyway sometimes I am like the kid who cannot get enough of the spotlight and for some reason I feel like I always to be a comedian. Wanting the spotlight was a stark difference from the younger me. It is a great defense mechanism to prove to people that you are laughing all the time. Behind close doors it was a different story. I feel like my fiancee has seen me cry more than anyone else. She has seen my fits of displaced anger. She was the first one who said I might be depressed. Every session with my therapist was a show. She saw little bits of me but only the parts I wanted people to see.
My fiancee sees the same therapist and we asked if it was okay for my fiancee to be there to address the core issues. I allowed for my guard to be put down and my therapist saw the me i hid from the world for the first time. I could tell my "real life" issues affected her emotionally as well. She recommended I go see a psychiatrist. I was ready. It had to happen now.
I met my psychiatrist and we went over the myriad of things. I talked about how my mood could go from zero to shitty in seconds. I told him about my irrational need to be liked. I told him I was willing to fake who I was or apologize for who I was so that others might like me. I put so much stress on myself and my fiancee and stopped putting myself first as if pretending to be some kind of martyr. I am no martyr. I had to get control of myself and my brain chemistry. I was determined. He said I am definitely depressed and possibly have anxiety, again I am comedian stereotype. He also said I have hint of obsessive compulsion. I was prescribed Prozac.
It has helped a little but I am sure I need additional medication and maybe a higher dose. It is normal to have to adjust medication as I continue to seek help. I have noticed a change in my attitude but the depression still lurks. I feel confident that i on the right road. I have to be. I have a smart and beautiful fiancee. I have 3 great step kids. I have terrific friends and family. I am also learning that quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I have so many quality friends. I am a lucky dude.
I am not through, not by a long shot. So no I am not struggling with depression, I'm dealing with it.
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