I am not struggling with depression

I am not struggling with depression
I have to turn this frown upside down.

Do you ever wake in the morning not recognizing the mess in front of you? Do you cringe in regret for the dumb statements made the night before? I do and it sucks. I never once considered I might have depression. I was not the me I grew to love. I was a shell that was cracked and distorted. I needed to get myself back. Was it the myriad of health issues? I am sure it had something to do with it but if I am to say that my diseases do not define then I need answers. It was time to show myself and the ones that I love that even though I am fractured that I could be fixed.

I have a therapist, you know because I am required to as a comedian we are all fucked in the head. Anyway sometimes I am like the kid who cannot get enough of the spotlight and for some reason I feel like I always to be a comedian. Wanting the spotlight was a stark difference from the younger me. It is a great defense mechanism to prove to people that you are laughing all the time. Behind close doors it was a different story. I feel like my fiancee has seen me cry more than anyone else. She has seen my fits of displaced anger.  She was the first one who said I might be depressed. Every session with my therapist was a show. She saw little bits of me but only the parts I wanted people to see.

My fiancee sees the same therapist and we asked if it was okay for my fiancee to be there to address the core issues. I allowed for my guard to be put down and my therapist saw the me i hid from the world for the first time. I could tell my "real life" issues affected her emotionally as well. She recommended I go see a psychiatrist. I was ready. It had to happen now.

I met my psychiatrist and we went over the myriad of things. I talked about how my mood could go from zero to shitty in seconds. I told him about my irrational need to be liked. I told him I was willing to fake who I was or apologize for who I was so that others might like me. I put so much stress on myself and my fiancee and stopped putting myself first as if pretending to be some kind of martyr. I am no martyr. I had to get control of myself and my brain chemistry. I was determined. He said I am definitely depressed and possibly have anxiety, again I am comedian stereotype. He also said I have hint of obsessive compulsion. I was prescribed Prozac.

It has helped a little but I am sure I need additional medication and maybe a higher dose. It is normal to have to adjust medication as I continue to seek help. I have noticed a change in my attitude but the depression still lurks. I feel confident that i on the right road. I have to be. I have a smart and beautiful fiancee. I have 3 great step kids. I have terrific friends and family. I am also learning that quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I have so many quality friends. I am a lucky dude.

I am not through, not by a long shot. So no I am not struggling with depression, I'm dealing with it.

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