I wish I was 12 again

I wish I was 12 again
This kid should smile more. You will one day.

At the age of 38 I know this seems like an odd statement to wish to be 12 again. Believe me though, I am going somewhere with this. You see at the age of 12 is the last time I was healthy. Save for a few colds and/or chicken pox I did not have much illness to deal with. I was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 13. That is an odd age to be diagnosed with diabetes. I was told at that age that sugar was the enemy. At that age sugar was my best friend. I was told at that age I would have to check my blood sugar about 8 times a day and I would have to give myself insulin injections at least 4 times a day.  That is a lot for a kid at 13 to handle. I was also told i would have to have snacks and excuse myself from class. As great as it sounds to snack during school being the only kid who could was embarrassing. Now I know counting carbs is a way to win the war.

Even though doctors told me that I could face consequences for not taking care of my diabetes and not following up with them I felt like I could handle it on my own. So that is what I did. Then I started to prescribe for myself. I stopped going to doctors. I was alive and had no idea what I was doing to myself. I lived through my 20's and I lied to anyone who asked, I lied to my mother and I told her I was taking care of myself. It was not until my 30's that I understood what the doctors warned of. I lost feeling in my feet due to neuropathy, My eyesight continues to get worst because of the lack of care. I am doing a better job with monitoring and doctors appointments but the damage of 20 plus years of not doing so is rearing its ugly head. Oh to be 12 again before I was diabetic.

At the age of 20 I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I went through chemo and had surgery and went into remission. Since it was testicular and it was the late 90's I could not have kids the natural way. I could have saved my sperm but I was too immature to make such a mature decision so I decided to not be able to have kids of my own.  I was in remission until the age of 25 then I had a recurrence I had surgery again and the cancer was removed. Oh to be 12 again and not have had cancer.

Throughout all of this I started and continued to smoke. I was too much of an idiot to quit smoking despite having cancer because it was not lung cancer and smoking felt so great. It relieved my stress. It made all of my health issues disappear but in the meantime it also made my health worst. When I was 12 I hated the smell of smoke. My dad was a big smoker. I volunteered at a community center and tried to convince the people who ran it to make it non smoking. They smoked and kids were exposed to it daily. We lost because we were kids and no one listened to us. I had my first smoke as a teen at an Aerosmith concert and it felt so great that I did not stop. oh to be 12 and never had a cigarette.

In 2013 I was diagnosed with MS. I mean come on are you fucking serious? I am following up with doctors and I am taking medication blah blah blah. My brain and my spine are affected. I feel tired all day despite medication that is supposed to help keep me awake. I am always in pain. Oh to be 12 aga... wait.... nope... that is a dumb thought.

Yes a lot of bad has happened in my last 26 years. However, so much more good has occurred. I made great lifelong friends. I became a comedian. I have laughed and smiled a lot more times than I cried. I fell in love. I FELL IN LOVE!!!!!! Like real love that is only in books or movies or in real life if you're lucky. She is an amazing woman. She is beautiful, she is smart, she is funny, and she is a ton more of great adjectives. Name a positive adjective and that is what she is. She has 3 kids which mean I have 3 kids. They are not just kids. They are the smartest kids and they are funny. I am their step father and not a day passes where I am not proud of them. I have a great and supportive family. I get to write this blog and proclaim to the world the best and worst of times.

I used to long for the feeling of how I felt when I was 12 or wished to go back to that age for just one day. Sure that kid was the picture of health. He had feeling in his feet, could eat what he wanted, and was full of energy. There is just one thing that kid did not have which is something I do have and that is every single thing I have right now. I have today. I know I can look forward to dinner and talking with my family about the day. I wake up every morning. I know I am a survivor. I know that life has yet to throw anything my way that I cannot handle. I am engaged to an amazing woman. I am going to marry her. I promise her forever for as long as that may be. It does not matter I am giving her and I am giving every day my best until my my exit.

I am going to love everyday and love every day.

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