I Want Eddie Vedder To Be My Best Friend

I Want Eddie Vedder To Be My Best Friend
Oh me? I'm just thinking about my new best friend, Eddie Vedder. It's only weird if you make it.

There was a day in the early 90's. I was at my friend's and we were listening to some cassettes he just got. You see, kids, cassettes used to be what music was released on before CDs or MP3s. We listened to Nirvana and this other band named Pearl Jam. The opening track Once features a chanting-like moan courtesy of Eddie Vedder.

That day my musical genre of choice was well...chosen. Don't get me wrong I loved the pained wails of Kurt Cobain, the driving bass of Krist Novaselic, and machine gun like drumming from Dave Grohl of Nirvana. There was just something about Eddie Vedder's baritone drone and the musicianship of the his surrounding band that gripped me like hands on a microphone.

Ever since that day I have been a Pearl Jam fan. Even long after radio stopped playing any of their new releases. Through the period of time when Eddie Vedder seemed to hate everything and everyone I'm still here jamming their tunes trying to convince others that they've gotten better with age.

That's not really true. The days of writing legendary songs like Jeremy and Alive are over but newer songs like Get Away and Just Breathe are just are good too.

Here is the thing my enjoyment of their music has gone beyond super fan. This post serves as my plea to Eddie Vedder to be my best friend. I have several best friends already but I always have room for one more.

So here it goes...

Eddie, I'm a nice guy and a good friend. Even when most tell me I'm crazy for wanting to be your best friend I scoff. Plus that is such an ugly word...crazy. They are the crazy ones. Also I'm a good listener I'll be there for the next time you get so drunk on stage you forget whole entire songs you've been singing for over twenty years. Wow twenty years! I can't believe how old we are.

I am also a performer I know how difficult it is to let your heart bleed out all over countless screaming fans. Okay you can actually count the amount of audience members at my show but I still get it. Sometimes I quote your words like dogma.

Just the other day I told my friend "Even, Flo, your thoughts are arriving like butterflies". She has this tendency to speak a mile a minute. I used your sage words to calm her.

Eddie, look at the photo below. You see what I'm doing? I'm playing ukulele because your ukulele album inspired me and I've been playing ever since. I even know how to play some of your solo stuff and Pearl Jam songs on it as well. We should collaborate.

Hey, Eddie, let's jam!

Hey, Eddie, let's jam!

Eddie, I know you have a busy schedule and that's cool. We can just FaceTime or text back and forth. It is not out of the realm of possibility for me to follow you guys on tour. Well only stateside I can't afford to stalk... err I mean follow you world wide.

We could have a bar trivia team my fiancée and your wife could be our teammates. I'll let you pick the name but I already have the perfect one picked out Not So Elderly Men and Women Sitting Behind a Bar In a Small Town Yelling Out All Of The Right Answers. It is a little long but catchy as fuck.

I wouldn't be one of those friends that asks you to play parties but if you wanted to you'd be more than welcome. I didn't even judge you when you dyed your hair blonde. I just pretend like it didn't happen. I don't know how to surf but I'm willing to learn.

I can provide references from current friends of mine if needed. I know a lot about Pearl Jam that lay people may not know. Pearl Jam's original name was Mookie Blaylock, the name of a basket ball player, the title for their first album Ten is a reference to his uniform number. Their second album Vs. was originally going to be called Five Against One which can be heard at the beginning of the song Animal on that album.

Most importantly, Eddie, I have MS, diabetes, and I'm a twice over survivor of cancer. I could be your Make A Wish Foundation fulfillment except I want to always want to be friends. Not just some thing where you sign a head shot and take pictures with me high fiving. Plus I just listed a bunch of diseases how can you say no to my sufferings? That would be a dick move. My bestie Eddie Vedder is not a dick anymore.

Seriously it wouldn't get Eddie Vedder (any better) than our friendship. See I could even make fun puns using your name.

So come on, Eddie, let's start a beautiful friendship before I move on to Johnny Depp.

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Filed under: comedy, me., Music

Tags: Eddie Vedder, Music, pearl jam, ukulele

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