I have acquired a knee scooter. Not because I am lazy in one leg but because of a foot thing. I call it a thing because I picture all of you trying to think of what my new affliction is and of me naked. The truth is that the real reason is dumb and not at all tough.
That being said I am compiling a fake list of reasons that I have a bum wheel. Tough fake reasons are totally better than the real and wussy reasons. Plus I get bored explaining the real reason. I will continue with fake stories then disclose the real reason maybe.
-I got into fist fight with my feet against some ninjas and one zombie. At first it was all innocent but then a zombie showed up and the ninjas became uppity. Feet started flying. I got foot punched and it was on. I started to pick off ninjas one by one and the zombie was destroyed.
The last ninja I kicked had razor sharp teeth and I grazed his tooth with my fist foot and it cut me. Now I am not allowed to walk on it until it heals.
-I donated part of the bottom of my foot to a weird catfishing scam that claimed that it would pay top dollar for the foot bottom of a not so famous comedian.
- I got a little too pumice-y with a pumice stone. Okay so it may not sound tough but if I add a sweet guitar solo and rage while vigorously giving myself a pedicure while drinking whiskey from the bottle surely that is a good and tough reason.
- I decided to open a beer with my foot by crushing the bottle open with my foot. I drank the whole case of beer before having my foot looked at. I did not go to a certified doctor. I just went to a blues musician named Dr. Brass and wrote a song about a lady who did me wrong which is why I drink.
- I walked on sunshine because I'll do anything Katrina and the Waves tells me to.
- I tried to install springs so I could slam dunk. I failed which is why I'm left with an injury.
- I showered at the gym barefoot
- I walked on broken glass because I'll do anything Annie Lennox tells me to.
- I blanked my blanking foot while blanking some or a blankety blank's blank. Fill in the blanks for your own adventure of mine.
Owning a knee scooter is interesting. It turns heads at work and my girlfriend's son now has a reason to ride around in the house. I look forward to being among the able bodied again.
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Filed under: comedy