My Patchy Beard Is My Dad's Fault

My Patchy Beard Is My Dad's Fault
My beard's name is Patchyrick Beardhara

I've seen TV shows, movies, and shaving cream/razor commercials depicting a father showing his kid how to shave. At least I feel like I remember that. Who knows sometimes I can't be sure what I actually remember anymore.

I should start at the beginning or at least close to the beginning. My parents split up when I was a younger gent. The particular blip on my timeline I don't recall. I just remember it was around the time when most boys start to have facial hair poke through.

I was a slow developer. Even now facial hair forces itself to grow. Usually unwillingly but I just don't shave when I'm trying to grow my beard. When I do I try to keep it trimmed and proper. Therein lies the problem. I never learned to shave. I'm too old to blame myself. At the at age of 36 I facetiously find it easier to blame my dad.

We never had that in front of the mirror lesson about whether or not to shave against the grain or how to avoid the tiny little cuts of torture. How do I trim this stupid beard?

I get bored trimming my beard. I get to a point where I just stop because I'm over it. Then I have to be okay with patches of thicker hair in spots. I just have to wait for it to grow out and look a little more even. Or at least the illusion of more even.

Of course I don't really blame my dad. Well I did yesterday as I was trimming up but like I said I get bored. I doubt it is really anything that can be saved. I see shitty beards all the time. I should ask El Capitan of ChicagoNow he used to have a glorious beard. Surely he wants a representative of CN to look his or her best.

Wait unless they would just let me go then never mind. I don't want to be put out to pasture because of a beard that could be better. Manly men don't worry about beards they just allow it grow then invent a duck call and start a reality show and let the bigotry flow. Less manly men get their beards trimmed when they get the top of their hair cut.

I have too much pride to ask for help. I mean I'm 36. Also I mean yuck I'm 36. I try to keep it trimmed. I have beard idols. When Eddie Vedder has a beard I try to emulate what his looks like. Even mid 80s Careless Whisper era George Michael works for me. My beard now looks like Justin Beiber's would look like if his little punk ass tried to grow a beard.

I suppose it is a bit of trial and error. I could always become a train robber and use a handkerchief to cover the bottom half of my face.

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Filed under: comedy, me.

Tags: Beard, dad, trimming

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