Twenty years ago I was 15 years old and my love of music was at its beginning. All I really knew about music was my dad's LPs and the pop music on the radio. Pop music was not my bag, so besides classic rock I didn't really have a favorite genre. Then the light's were dangerously out and here I was, entertain me. Kurt Cobain's pain-filled wail fill my ears, my head, and then my room.
My introduction to Nirvana happened at my friend's house. I won't lie, my first offering of Nirvana I did not understand. What was he murmuring and wailing about? I just did not stop listening.
Some said he was the voice of a generation. I never saw him that way. I was too young to need a voice. However, those older than me but younger than 35 were in need of a voice. It was a generation known as slackers and yuppies, there was no in between. Sometimes slackers became yuppies, sometimes they burned out.
Kurt just wanted to make music, and he did.
Over the last couple of days I have tried to think of what my favorite Nirvana song is. It is not easy. I could choose Smells Like Teen Spirit but it is not my favorite. I decided on Breed from the album Nevermind because the only volume appropriate for that song is loud. I went running last night and felt like quitting because I had a hard time then Breed came on and energy burst out of me and suddenly I had no legs.
I remember the day Kurt killed himself. Kurt Loder had a special breaking news update.
A body has been found in the garage of the home owned by Kurt Cobain
I was too young and did not know what suicide was so naturally I thought Kurt Cobain killed someone in his home. Of course hindsight being what it is I now know that was a silly thought. What do you mean Kurt killed himself? Why would he do that? He is a rock star and so brilliant.
At that point in my life I believed a couple of things. One day I would grow into my face and Kurt Loder is the truth. I was right on both accounts. I grew into my face and Kurt was gone. I was heartbroken. It sucked knowing that I might have heard my last Nirvana song.
Then I remembered I did not have their first album Bleach. My dad did not understand my sadness. I do not know that I really did either I just know I was at a loss at the thought of no more Nirvana. So I asked my dad to buy the album.
I turned on my best sad face and played to a father's responsibility to comfort his son when he is forlorn. Maybe I just kept asking until I became enough of a pain in the ass to not be denied. So I now had some new Nirvana to enjoy. It was new to me and that was all that mattered. I would soon get Incesticide by them and then of course there were the Tupac-like or Elvis-like newly found recordings that ensued.
I wasn't sad enough to wear green Converse. I was sad enough to sit through Courtney Love read his suicide note. I knew I was sad, I knew I would miss new Nirvana songs, and I knew that I was angry.
I was mad because I did not understand. I did not get it. My reasons for being angry ranged from being selfish to feeling sorry for Frances Bean, Kurt and Courtney's daughter. Her father was gone. The music world hadn't just lost a tremendous talent and musical mind but a young girl just lost her father.
I still miss Kurt and I miss Nirvana but luckily I have my collection on my phone or my i-Something or other. I love the Foo Fighters and I am lucky that I was able to be alive when Nirvana was a thing. I was not around for the Doors and my love for Queen came after Freddie Mercury's passing.
Kurt impacted my life and I am proud to be a fan of Nirvana. I still miss him.
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