The Olympics are happening in Sochi finally or am I supposed to write #sochi? I am not sure, but on Twitter that is how folks seem to spell it. I am not a fan of the Olympics, summer nor winter. I appreciate the time, effort, and money that make an Olympic athlete but I am sorry, Olympics, I'm just not that into you.
I did get to thinking about if the winter Olympics happened here in SoChi, south Chicago, you see what I did there? What would be some local non-Olympic sports? I should note I detest when Chicago is called the Chi or Chi-town, but I will use it to be clever.
Snow shoveling- Sure, right now it is an act of tedium, but as an Olympic sport it would be akin to power lifting. It would not be a timed even but who could get the heaviest snow on their shovel and power lift it to clear a path.
Parking Space Chair Slalom- Now those chairs are going to be there anyway, we might as well have a cross country ski event. The winner is the one completes the course first. You are disqualified or possibly beaten senseless if you knock a chair out of place.
Skeeching- I don't know if this has an official spelling but this is hanging onto a car and letting it drag you upon the icy road. This could either be a speed event or a figure skating-esque type where a couple will coordinate a routine using the car as their guide. This will be thrilling, beautiful, and quite dangerous. Many will compete in this event on a dare, much like the running of the bulls or curling.
Snow ball battle- This is one part snow ball fight and one part The Most Dangerous Game. Teams are left to their own devices to make snowballs and "hunt" the other teams. Any person who is struck by a snow ball is eliminated. The last four people are then left to battle it out in a snow ball/laser tag event with one victor left standing. There is only a gold medal for this event.
Ice Fishing In A South Chicago Lake- This sounds boring until you think of all the strange fish, objects, mobsters, or damning political documents that might be fished out. It literally could be anything. Yes, I mean literally in the literal sense. It is the south side. If you can put the line in a lake on the south side without it eroding or burning from acid then you might at least qualify for the bronze.
Do you want the drama of the Sochi Olympics? How about opening ceremonies starring Cheef Keef? He won't do any real damage but boy won't he pretend? You could have the same water issues as well. Just shut down the filtration plant for a day or so. You will have yellow, flakey water in no time.
This is my bid to have the Winter Olympics here in 4 years. The city and state are already hemorrhaging money, why not frivolously throw money at my awesome olympic plan.
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