The most serious relationship I had in high school was the one I made up

The most serious relationship I had in high school was the one I made up
This is not a true rendering my fake girlfriend, her face was more symmetrical.

I am pretty sure I have posted volumes about how uncool and nerdy I was as a child. Some things do not change though, I am still a nerd and just maybe slightly cooler. The girls did not fancy the shy kid with glasses that were too big. Nor did they fancy my lack of athleticism. I spent a lot of time with my same group of friends. Of the six of us, four were girls, Tom and I were in the friend zone immediately. That is the only way I could talk to a girl.

Grammar school came and went and I was more interested in music and video games than a pretty face. Suddenly high school happened and your girlfriend was a status symbol. Oh you don't have one? Well on the pile of dorks with you then. There was no actual pile of dorks, well not one I am allowed to publicly speak of. I was not so unpopular to be hated but not popular either, I was just there. I filled the seats.

I went to private all boys school at the time. The odds were already stacked against me. I went to mixers to meet girls from other schools but I reeked of geek so I tensely stood along the wall. I did this strange faux-dance where I swayed slightly and tapped my hands on my hips. I did not have moves like Jagger, I did not even have moves like that old man who drums for the Rolling Stones.

There was a mixer that I went to once, my aforementioned friend Tom was there too maybe. Nerds sometimes travel in packs in the hopes we will form a sort of Voltron of nerdiness that will somehow make us appealing to girls. I do not remember the other all girl school there but I believe it was in Indiana. I do not know if it was the Brute I was wearing but somehow a girl asked me to dance. We were doomed from the start. I was doing my trademark sway/hand tap on thigh move and somehow she decided that is what she wanted to dance with the rest of the night. I can only guess that she arrived late because surely there were better dancing partners. I am pretty sure there was a man on fire nearby with better moves.

So after my night of swaying and hand tapping, I mustered up the courage to ask for her number. She gave me her number, her real number too! It wasn't 588-2300. I would not be forced to have carpet sold to me. She gave me her for real name too. The tiny piece of paper did not bear the name Greta Fancypants. I do not recall our conversations, I am sure they were super compelling. She once sent me a cheerleading pic, yeah I got a cheerleader's number. I told her I was trying out for the baseball team. I did, I failed, I did not make the team. It turns out being able to hit and catch is a required skill. I could not tell her I did not make the team. So I spun a yarn about breaking my leg. Nice move, genius... So after a few more weeks of not being able to see her without a genuine broken leg. The relationship (it was not a relationship) failed.

Girlfriends were a status symbol... So....

I still had her picture, I went to school in Alsip, IL and she was all the way in Indiana. I decided to have myself a pretend girlfriend. Hey, O'Hara, you have a girlfriend? Yeah I do, she is a cheerleader and she is okay with her non-jock boyfriend. You do not believe me? Well here is her picture, Yeah she wrote ME a message.

Hey Patrick,

It was nice meeting you!

Her Name

I remember her name, I think, when you make a girlfriend up the real life details are less important. What a fancy message that was, it was nice meeting her too! Suddenly, because it was hard to believe I had a girlfriend, I was grilled, it was like the Inquisition. Our dates were fantastical. No one without a job could do what we did, but it was my fake relationship. I was going to make myself out to be the best boyfriend ever. We did not have sex because I did not have real sex before and had no idea what it was like. I would have said something about a dreamy white hue and perfect, not real sex, that I only knew from movies.

I got tired of lying. One dude claimed he knew her and she did not have a boyfriend. He did not actually know her, it was a ruse. I did not cop to it yet. I gave it a week and then broke the news that I broke up with her. I let her down easily and I was very forlorn but it was for the best.

I had other girlfriends in high school. None of those relationships lasted long but they also weren't cheerleaders. They were nice enough but not really my type. I guess i had a type. I have only told a few about my fake relationship until now. It is out there in the ether for the tens of you to read.

Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

If you just cannot get enough of me follow me on twitter

You can also like me on Facebook, likes make me feel special. Thank you! After you like be sure to hover over the "liked" button and select get notifications so you will not miss out on another blog.

Leave a comment