I am pretty sure I have posted volumes about how uncool and nerdy I was as a child. Some things do not change though, I am still a nerd and just maybe slightly cooler. The girls did not fancy the shy kid with glasses that were too big. Nor did they fancy my lack of athleticism. I spent a lot of time with my same group of friends. Of the six of us, four were girls, Tom and I were in the friend zone immediately. That is the only way I could talk to a girl.
Grammar school came and went and I was more interested in music and video games than a pretty face. Suddenly high school happened and your girlfriend was a status symbol. Oh you don't have one? Well on the pile of dorks with you then. There was no actual pile of dorks, well not one I am allowed to publicly speak of. I was not so unpopular to be hated but not popular either, I was just there. I filled the seats.
I went to private all boys school at the time. The odds were already stacked against me. I went to mixers to meet girls from other schools but I reeked of geek so I tensely stood along the wall. I did this strange faux-dance where I swayed slightly and tapped my hands on my hips. I did not have moves like Jagger, I did not even have moves like that old man who drums for the Rolling Stones.
There was a mixer that I went to once, my aforementioned friend Tom was there too maybe. Nerds sometimes travel in packs in the hopes we will form a sort of Voltron of nerdiness that will somehow make us appealing to girls. I do not remember the other all girl school there but I believe it was in Indiana. I do not know if it was the Brute I was wearing but somehow a girl asked me to dance. We were doomed from the start. I was doing my trademark sway/hand tap on thigh move and somehow she decided that is what she wanted to dance with the rest of the night. I can only guess that she arrived late because surely there were better dancing partners. I am pretty sure there was a man on fire nearby with better moves.
So after my night of swaying and hand tapping, I mustered up the courage to ask for her number. She gave me her number, her real number too! It wasn't 588-2300. I would not be forced to have carpet sold to me. She gave me her for real name too. The tiny piece of paper did not bear the name Greta Fancypants. I do not recall our conversations, I am sure they were super compelling. She once sent me a cheerleading pic, yeah I got a cheerleader's number. I told her I was trying out for the baseball team. I did, I failed, I did not make the team. It turns out being able to hit and catch is a required skill. I could not tell her I did not make the team. So I spun a yarn about breaking my leg. Nice move, genius... So after a few more weeks of not being able to see her without a genuine broken leg. The relationship (it was not a relationship) failed.
Girlfriends were a status symbol... So....
I still had her picture, I went to school in Alsip, IL and she was all the way in Indiana. I decided to have myself a pretend girlfriend. Hey, O'Hara, you have a girlfriend? Yeah I do, she is a cheerleader and she is okay with her non-jock boyfriend. You do not believe me? Well here is her picture, Yeah she wrote ME a message.
It was nice meeting you!
I remember her name, I think, when you make a girlfriend up the real life details are less important. What a fancy message that was, it was nice meeting her too! Suddenly, because it was hard to believe I had a girlfriend, I was grilled, it was like the Inquisition. Our dates were fantastical. No one without a job could do what we did, but it was my fake relationship. I was going to make myself out to be the best boyfriend ever. We did not have sex because I did not have real sex before and had no idea what it was like. I would have said something about a dreamy white hue and perfect, not real sex, that I only knew from movies.
I got tired of lying. One dude claimed he knew her and she did not have a boyfriend. He did not actually know her, it was a ruse. I did not cop to it yet. I gave it a week and then broke the news that I broke up with her. I let her down easily and I was very forlorn but it was for the best.
I had other girlfriends in high school. None of those relationships lasted long but they also weren't cheerleaders. They were nice enough but not really my type. I guess i had a type. I have only told a few about my fake relationship until now. It is out there in the ether for the tens of you to read.
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