7 Ways to Announce Your Divorce

Are you currently in the process of getting a divorce and wondering how and when to tell those around you? Are you recently divorced and need a quick, efficient way to share? Regardless of where you are in the process, here are 7 easy, creative ways to announce your divorce. (Why 7? Well, 7 is lucky, and you're going to need a whole lot of luck during and after your divorce.)

1. The Gradual Facebook Transition: Take advantage of the many relationship status options on Facebook and use as many as you can. Change from Married to It's Complicated or In An Open Relationship (whichever one is applicable) to Separated to Divorced to Single. You can decide to change your status hourly and get it done in one day or to drag it out (weekly? monthly? seasonally?) and enjoy the comments others leave on your page.

2. 100 Random Plastic Yard Ornaments: Everything seems better with brightly, colored plastic yard ornaments. Announce to your visitors, neighbors, the mailman and random strangers driving past your house that you're divorced and rent those tacky plastic yard ornaments for your yard. Rent at least 100 of them. I'm not sure if the rental companies actually have any divorce specific yard decorations or not, so just ask for an assortment. Buy a pack of poster board and black permanent marker. On each piece of poster board, write one letter to spell out D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, tape them to the random plastic objects and enjoy your drive-by spectators!

3. Sophisticated Divorce Announcements: For those of you who are fancy or pretentious, announce your divorce with custom printed Divorce Announcements, kinda like birth announcements... only nothing like them. Have them printed on shiny card stock, mailed in fancy gold-lined envelopes and include a piece of vellum paper (the vellum paper makes it ultra-fancy).

4. Mystery Dinner Party: Host a "mystery" dinner party at your house. Assign your friends and family guests characters using the names of important people from your divorce: attorneys, judges, file clerks, bailiffs, divorce coach, etc. Include pieces of important information regarding the reasons for your divorce (infidelity, addiction, prostitution, drug-dealing) in the guests' envelops. Sit back and relax while your guests solve the evening's mystery: Your Divorce! This works even better if your ex-spouse has recently experienced an unfortunate "accident."

5. Holiday Picture and Letter: Add a little excitement to this year's holiday family picture and letter. Grab the kids, pets and a blank piece of paper with a large question mark on it. Take the usual family photo but hold up the question mark next to you where your ex-spouse would normally stand. Write a very detailed, descriptive letter of your divorce. Include all the graphic, salacious reasons for your failed marriage and subsequent divorce. Send it to your family, your ex-spouse's family, friends, neighbors, your children's teachers and everyone in your and your ex's extensive LinkedIn networks. If you have pictures, make sure to include those, too!

6. Sudden Facebook Tagging: Don't have a lot of time cause your life has been consumed with court dates, attorney meetings and packing? No need to make a bunch of personal phone calls or visits. Be efficient and wait to tell loved ones, close friends and others until your actual divorce day. Check you and your soon-to-be-ex in at the courthouse and write "Finally getting a divorce. Phew!" To make sure all of the necessary people in your life are informed, Facebook tag them all - up to 100 of them! Tagging is extra efficient because your status will also show up on all 100 Facebook walls, informing even more people of your divorce and saving you even more time!

7. Write a Blog: If you really don't have time to do any of the previous ideas nor do you want to spend any more money on your f---ing divorce, write a blog post about your divorce and share with the world, electronically of course. Stamps are expensive! Here's mine: Divorce: Filling the Holes 

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Tags: comedy, Divorce

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