Smokey Bear Is Not Effing Around

Have you seen the new billboards of what appears to be Smokey Bear threatening drivers with certain demise if they start forest fires? The ads feature a 'roided up bear pointing and holding a shovel.. His eyes say "If you start a forest fire, I am going to kill and bury you and since I live in the forest I know the best places to hide your body".

Okay, so maybe I'm reading too much into the billboards but they are freaking me out. I don't even want to visit the forest knowing a bear with raging muscles and a shovel is out there somewhere just waiting for an errant campfire with hoards of campers running and shouting "Save yourselves!" You don't want to be on Smokey's bad side. He is not effing around.

I miss the cartoonish bear of yore, he was disarming and I still didn't want to start a forest fire. The new bear makes me fear for my life, makes me think that I shouldn't sleep. I feel like any day now he will show up at my door with a cigarette in his hand and asking me if it is mine. Then he would take me out back and "Old Yeller" me. You might think my mind is running amok. You might be right.

I'm just worried it won't end here. Do you remember McGruff the Crime Dog? What if he decides to become a lawless vigilante? He will become judge, jury, and executioner. Did you roll through that stop sign? Here comes McGruff with a score to settle. He is armed with a rifle and hand grenades to fight off the Latin drug lords and their leader Espinoza. Okay, that would be kind of cool. McGruff the Vigilante Crime Dog gets my vote for new ad campaigns and maybe even Mayor. Oh wait, nope sorry Mayor McCheese will always get my vote.

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