I cannot say that I have ever been green with envy. I have not even been green without envy. I have never wanted or wished for what others have. I already appreciate my life and my gifts. Instead, I will help you commit a deadly sin by giving you reasons to envy me.
Humor: My gift of comedy is one thing I am truly proud of. I am funny without even trying, this cannot be taught. I am sorry to all of you out there who have to desperately repeat jokes that you think no one heard. The truth is it just wasn’t funny. Is everything I say funny? No, I am after all mostly mortal. I have faults though not many. You will never hear me repeat a joke amongst a crowd. When laughter breaks out you can be sure I am somewhere nearby.
Metabolism: Since the day I was born I have an amazing metabolism. I shove any amount of food in my face and not worry about it affecting my weight. Did you know that I once ate 6 pounds of food in a half hour for an eating challenge? In fact, until it closed down I was on their “Wall of Fame” or shame depending on how you feel about that kind of thing. I did not gain any weight off of that. I know for some of you, especially in the Midwest, one single serving tips your scales.
Seven Deadly Sins: The Series
Teppi Jacobsen: Gluttony
Jenna Myers Karvunidis: Greed
Lyletta Robinson: Anger
Patrick O'Hara: Envy
Evan Moore: Pride
Sheila Quirke: Sloth
Crystal Alperin: Lust
Andy Frye: The Eighth Sin: Rebellion
Confidence: No one thinks I am as great as I myself think I am. I mean people already know how perfect I am but it is impossible to think it more than I. I have been told I walk with swagger, no not swag. I prefer the classic swagger not the bastard child it is today. I walk into a room and the crowd gravitates to me. I am the centerpiece of any gathering. Nothing begins until I arrive.
Love life: I have had many women in my life. I have even been married and divorced before the age of 32. I never lack in that area. At least once a day I have to turn a woman away. I do not like doing it but I do need some spare time. Feel free to give it a go though, it is always an open audition.
Appearance: To this day folks think I am younger than I actually am. Just the other day a truancy officer pulled me to the side and asked me what I was doing out of school. After flashing her my irresistible grin I have to explain that I am in my mid-30s. We had a good laugh and I got her number. People are always complimenting on my youthful appearance. Also, I was on the homepage of Chicagotribune.com next to the caption “Chicago’s Sexiest Blogger”.
I think I have given you enough. I feel like I am coming off as too much of a humblebrag. Please feel free to be envious of all of the things mentioned here. Other bloggers will be envious of the amount of likes, tweets, and comments this post gets. Envy is a deadly sin but I cannot blame you, you are only human.