Advice for my future children

I do not have children…yet but I have compiled a list of advice.  I hope those little ragamuffins appreciate it.

  1. You will most likely have to go to public school, so you best be smarter than your father.
  2. I promise not to name you after a fruit or a month
  3. I know in your young years you will be tempted to lie but only tell the truth when you are judging me.
  4. I will not make you eat Brussels sprouts, I hate them too.
  5. Your mother is always right.
  6. You will probably have one weird friend, this is not advice just a fact of life.
  7. Dora’s life is not normal, I will not let you wander with a monkey.
  8. You are not allowed to go to Walmart with me, there are already too many kids there.   You can apparently get kids in bulk there.
  9. I am going exploit your talents and become a total stage dad.
  10. I will never be as cool as Johnny Depp
  11. Whatever I say is correct even if I am being a hypocrite
  12. TV will not rot your brain, well the Kardashians will
  13. Yes, those are my Creed albums, no you cannot listen to them, yes I regret that I ever thought they were good.
  14. Life is not fair, I never got a flying car.
  15. Jokes about the hair on your mom’s upper lip are not funny.
  16. I cannot fix anything, so if you break it you better use your imagination
  17. I do not know if we will ever have a catch because of my fear that you can throw better than me.
  18. A lot of the stories about my glory years are made up, I do not know why I am outing myself regarding this…oh well
  19. It is okay to talk to yourself, if you get caught just get flabbergasted and say to the other person “I have been talking to YOU this whole time.
  20. No matter what the fact that you are here is a miracle and I am going to love the junk out of you.  I will protect you from monsters and bad sports teams.


My kids are going to be so lucky.

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