Game of Thrones' Best Inanimate Objects: Robb Stark's War Map, Hot Pie's Wolf Bread, Theon's Sausage

Game of Thrones' best inanimate characters...ranked.

1) Robb Stark's war map. Barely edged out our #2, Stannis' war map, because of its superior adorable wolf and lion figurines. The map itself is sadly efficient: only 2-D, foldable, packs well for travel.


2) Stannis' war map. It has its own strategy room! Superior size, scale, topography, completely immobile and impractical. Needs more mini wooden animals. Needs more movable parts, generally. Could use wheels actually, come the next war.


3) The Purple Wedding Pie.  It is a giant pie, and that is all you need to know. Margaery could probably fit in there, if she wanted to pull off some weird wedding night stripper-like cake diversion. I'm ignoring the fact that there were actually live birds in there. That alone is disgusting, but now picture them pooping in there, too. Still, giant pie.

4) The Direwolf Bread that Hot Pie gives to Arya. It's actually looks gross but: i) it was made by someone named Hot Pie and ii) Arya claims it's really good. Arya, however, has been on the road for a year and largely eating roadkill the entire time, so I can't take her opinion seriously.



5) Theon's Sausage: the sausage that Ramsay Snow taunts Theon with, following his castration. Cruel, but I bet Theon was drooling.


Theon's sausage! Do I kind of look like Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20?

6) Ser Jorah's blue balls. No photo.

7) Sansa's love for lemon cakes. Not the cakes themselves, because I bet they are dainty and nice looking, though dreadfully boring --  much like the character of Sansa herself through the first two seasons.

8) Daenerys' eyebrows. So expressive, so insane, probably flammable, though they have survived at least one fire.

9) Margaery's wedding coiff. It's impossibly huge, and I'm not sure they have invented hair extensions yet. So I can only assume it, like the wedding pie, is filled with birds.

10) Brienne of Tarth's "dress." She looks like she'd fit right in on the Starship Enterprise. But seriously, it's as if she walked into Jo-Ann's, seized a bolt of blue felt, asked a seamstress to sew a giant pillowcase but with a head hole. The sack does, however, distract from Brienne's missing eyebrows. Did Daenerys do her usual thing and seize/claim/declare Brienne's brows free if they choose to follow and die for her?

11) Valyrian steel. The myth of Valyrian steel wasn't proven until this last episode, when Joffrey used his new blade to slice a book clean through. Prior that this, it was only good for slitting throats and decapitations.

12) Viserys' Crown for a King. The only death comparably satisfying to Joffrey's, so far. The "crown" itself is gruesome, but you have to admit it was pretty hilarious when his crowned skull struck the ground with a clink! like dropped silverware.


13) Sansa's snow castle version of Winterfell. Apparently those sewing/embroidery skills Arya was so jealous of translate well into miniature model making. Sadly destroyed by the bratty Robin, but it's all right because it warranted a beautiful slap of glory from Sansa.

14) Hot Pie's Second Stab at Wolfbread. A much better rendition of the direwolf this time!

Hot Pie's been working hard at bread sculpting on his pie-making breaks. I hope he returns a third time  (next season, need to pace myself with these Hot Pie/Wolfbread doses) with a gargantuan 3D pie like the Purple Wedding pigeon pie but you know, a giant wolf pie this time. Inside could be a whole bunch of cute little gummy wolves, because I think we can all agree the live bird pie was a GOB-level Huge Mistake.

Have I missed anything? List will be updated as the show goes on.


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