“Get a thick pair of woolen socks. Not Nylon. Fucking wool.”

I just amazon-primed myself wool socks because my new favorite Gawker commenter, ACrowley, told me to. On Gawker’s unnecessary reminder, “It’s Gonna Be So Fucking Cold in the Midwest Tonight,” ACrowley (the love child of Al Cowlings and Ace Frehley? Anyone?) spits out some golden advice, made all the better if you imagine it delivered in a thick Russian accent -- an accent thicker than nylon, maybe even thicker than wool. You’ve gotta scroll down a bit to get to the under-appreciated genius of ACrowley but it’s worth it. Serious advice below for seriously cold folks (bolded emphasis mine):

There is no bad weather. Just bad clothing. I have lived an hour from St. Petersburg. I know what -30 every winter is like…

1. Be windproof. Even light clothing can be warm if it keeps out the wind. You need a shell with wind proofed zips. Fancy ones, or covered with a flap it doesn't matter.

2. You loose mrs though your boots than you do your head. It's amazing how many people wear cotton socks in rubber boots in the US. Get a thick pair of woolen socks. Not Nylon. Fucking wool. Wear only one pair at a time. If you wear two you'll compress the socks and stop the warm air moving to your toes. They your toes freeze. Improve your books by fitting wool insoles. They're cheap and worth their weight. It's like taking carpet with you.

3. Wear long underwear. Wool. Head to toe. Some synthetics are good but nothing's better than pure wool. It's super soft, super comfy and will keep you dry. Women get to spend less as good woolen tights do the trick for them.

4. Wear a scarf properly. Don't wrap it round your coat like a tool. It's not a fashion item. Wrap it tight round your neck, tie it off and put the tails inside your shirt. Then button up as far as you can. A roll neck is simpler and can look hot with a gold chain with your zodiac symbol on it.

5. Mittens. Gloves are bullshit. Only wear gloves if you have to because you are firing a weapon, or building something. Good cold-weather gloves come in at $300 or more so your gloves are probably bullshit anyway. Even Canada Goose gloves are made in China (try Ourtdoor research for something made in the US). Mittens are wear it's at. get a nice pair of wool gloves. Wear them inside your windproof, down, mittens. You're golden.

6. Get a stylus. Those 'touchscreen' gloves are worthless. A stylus will let you use your device with gloves on and works way better than janky conductive gloves.

7. Stay sober. Falling asleep in extreme cold is death. The 'warmth' you feel from booze is caused by your capillaries expanding and releasing your precious heat. You're enjoying the feeling of the warmth you need to live leaving your body. Stay sober. Stay moving.

8. Stay in. Unless you have to be outside stay in. If you are out stay moving. Cover your face if you can. Make sure small children are inside. Even with the best gear they lose way more heat than an adult due to their greater relative surface area [what?]. In most cold countries once you get to about -15 small children are inside - period.

9. Look out for people. Old people and the poor often have fewer options and less money to manage things. If you see someone inappropriately dressed or out when they shouldn't be help. Invite them in. Give them a ride. Offer them a warm drink.

10. Don't burn yourself. If you do freeze you can lose sensation. That's dangerous period but much worse if you hen jam your skin onto something hot and get burnt. Warm up slowly. A warm room is enough. don't dive into hot water, or get too close to open flames. The pain can be extreme if you mess that up.

Good kit for the cold is expensive but once you have it the weather isn't a problem. Ask for a serious coat as a gift next Christmas. Get a bunch of people to contribute, bite the bullet and you'll have something that can literally save your life and will last 20 years with care. Avoid expensive brands made on the cheap in China (Moncler, Burberry etc.). Look at Canada Goose, Arc'teryx Veilance, Mover and other US, Canada and European made items. It feels better to know you're not funding the enslavement of people in other countries and given there's no saving in buying sweatshop produced gear, you lose nothing.

If you're broke by good stuff second-hand. Puffy jackets with shitty linings, crappy zips and poor coverage are worthless when it gets serious.

So the answer is Wool. Not nylon. Fucking wool. Not China-made. Wool.  Not enslaved sweatshopper made . Wool. Just Pure Fucking. Wool.

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