All submissions below (with slight formatting edits) are from a superb Ask.Reddit thread, “If companies had realistic slogans what would they be?”
Adobe: an update is available.
Java: Hey bro, update me. Bro. Bro! Just fucking with you, everything's up to date.
AOL: Still here
Apple: Fuck Corners
Dasani: Italian for "Coke just sold you water"
McAfee: Please don't uninstall
Norton: Good luck trying to uninstall
Geek Squad: Let us Google that for you.
Motel 6: We will leave the lights on for you because we are in a dangerous fucking neighborhood
TAMPAX: We may not be #1, but we're up there.
Hot Pockets: a different temperature every bite
Sallie Mae: Why retire when you can work FOREVER?!?!
Monster: For Extreme Sitting At Your Computer
Febreeze: Making your restrooms smell like flowers AND shit.
Red Robin: When you don't want to spend much taking the kids out, but you need alcohol.
Barnes & Noble: We Don't Have it but We Can Order It, But So Can You, Online and Cheaper.
Costco: When you're not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it.
Facebook: we know more about you than you do
Google: we also know more about you than you do
US Government: And We'll Take The Info
Air Canada: "We're not happy til you're not happy"
WestJet: Our business model relies on Air Canada's failure
SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you'd stop eating meat forever.
Blockbuster: "Remember us?"
Radioshack: We're still in business, go figure.
RadioShack: We sell phones now
Preparation H: Because your guts are coming out of your asshole a little.
Preparation H: Helping assholes everywhere.
Hot Topic: Buy a Fedora and the rage shirt is 50% off.
Applebee's: We figured out a way to fuck up salad.
Applebee's: For when you're too lazy to prepare your own frozen food
Under Armour: Now you can pretend you work out.
Comcast: because you have no other choice.
Comcast: Because Fuck You.
Comcast: We'll be there between 7AM and fuck yourself in the face
Comcast: We said eleven, but we really can't tell time
Lowes: You're on your own
Lowes: We have materials, you have hands.
Youtube: Don't read the comments.
White Castle: Because you're high, and the movie was on.
Nature Valley Granola Bars: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3767Yrcb1qazvpdo1_500.png
Nike: just buy it
Trojan: Tuition is very expensive.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Tag us on Instagram
Wal-Mart: We slave, you save.
Ed Hardy: Made for douchebags, by douchebags.
Internet Explorer: your number 1 browser for downloading other browsers
Tesla: Told you so.
Yoplait: Fruit on bottom, hope on top -Mitch Hedberg
Taco Bell: Drink and Drive Thru
Best Buy: Here to serve you because you don't know how to use Amazon
Honda: This car does not die. We've tried.
Mountain Dew: Because who really needs teeth?
NetFlix: Wait, don’t go! Arrested Development!
The Nature Valley granola bars and Java ones killed me.
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