Realistic Company Slogans

All submissions below (with slight formatting edits) are from a superb Ask.Reddit thread, “If companies had realistic slogans what would they be?

 

Adobe: an update is available.

Java: Hey bro, update me. Bro. Bro! Just fucking with you, everything's up to date.

AOL: Still here

Apple: Fuck Corners

Dasani: Italian for "Coke just sold you water"

McAfee: Please don't uninstall

Norton: Good luck trying to uninstall

Geek Squad: Let us Google that for you.

Motel 6: We will leave the lights on for you because we are in a dangerous fucking neighborhood

TAMPAX: We may not be #1, but we're up there.

Hot Pockets: a different temperature every bite

Sallie Mae: Why retire when you can work FOREVER?!?!

Monster: For Extreme Sitting At Your Computer

Febreeze: Making your restrooms smell like flowers AND shit.

Red Robin: When you don't want to spend much taking the kids out, but you need alcohol.

Barnes & Noble: We Don't Have it but We Can Order It, But So Can You, Online and Cheaper.

Costco: When you're not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it.

Facebook: we know more about you than you do

Google: we also know more about you than you do

US Government: And We'll Take The Info

Air Canada: "We're not happy til you're not happy"

WestJet: Our business model relies on Air Canada's failure

SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you'd stop eating meat forever.

Blockbuster: "Remember us?"

Radioshack: We're still in business, go figure.

RadioShack: We sell phones now

Preparation H: Because your guts are coming out of your asshole a little.

Preparation H: Helping assholes everywhere.

Hot Topic: Buy a Fedora and the rage shirt is 50% off.

Applebee's: We figured out a way to fuck up salad.

Applebee's: For when you're too lazy to prepare your own frozen food

Under Armour: Now you can pretend you work out.

Comcast: because you have no other choice.

Comcast: Because Fuck You.

Comcast: We'll be there between 7AM and fuck yourself in the face

Comcast: We said eleven, but we really can't tell time

Lowes: You're on your own

Lowes: We have materials, you have hands.

Youtube: Don't read the comments.

White Castle: Because you're high, and the movie was on.

Nature Valley Granola Bars: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr3767Yrcb1qazvpdo1_500.png

Nike: just buy it

Trojan: Tuition is very expensive.

Pabst Blue Ribbon: Tag us on Instagram

Wal-Mart: We slave, you save.

Ed Hardy: Made for douchebags, by douchebags.

Internet Explorer: your number 1 browser for downloading other browsers

Tesla: Told you so.

Yoplait: Fruit on bottom, hope on top -Mitch Hedberg

Taco Bell: Drink and Drive Thru

Best Buy: Here to serve you because you don't know how to use Amazon

Honda: This car does not die. We've tried.

Mountain Dew: Because who really needs teeth?

NetFlix: Wait, don’t go! Arrested Development!

--
The Nature Valley granola bars and Java ones killed me.

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