In a recently filed 13-F, David Beckham revealed a new long position in Herbalife to the surprise of the investment and soccer community alike. Upon further digging, we at TotallyFakeNews have learned Herbalife is not only Beckham's chief investment but his only. "I'm 110% invested -- I've been buying the public stock and my own private stock, so to speak. I'm a Level 4 Herbalife Triton Member!" Beckham exclaimed. "I get loads of Isotonic products and a new shirt every week in exchange for a small, escalating weekly fee, which are my new member dues. I've been a new member for eight years now, and my mentor Tom Cruise says I'm the first new member to ever reach Level 4 Triton. I feel pretty lucky."
We asked Beckham details about this Level 4 tier, wondering if it perhaps tied to levels within Herbalife's purported pyramid scheme as activist investor Bill Ackman has been pounding the table about. Beckham replied, "Of course not. What bollocks. You Americans believe anything. Herbalife has never, ever asked me to find five people to recruit into a sales team, so that I can get a cut of recruits' sales and recruits' recruits' sales and so on and so forth. All I have to do is buy a few new product starter kits every week. At first it started out at five new kits, then 25, then 5x5x5, then 5^4 and that's where I'm at now, the 4th Tier. Now, does that sound like a pyramid scheme to you? That sounds like a deal to me, frankly."
Beckham went on without us asking, "I've been storing all our stock at our Malibu house for the second coming of Herba-God in 2014. As I've been learning through my readings and lessons in the Herbable with Sensei Cruise, only those who use the IsoTonix will survive. Most people don't know this yet but we're going to start spreading the word through this shirt campaign once Victoria and I have built of an Isotonic store of two years' supply before the plebs can get to it. Safety first, as Sensei Cruise always says."
We probed further, wondering about this "safety first" ideal, if perhaps Carl Icahn, another notable investor who is long Herbalife, perhaps had offered any thoughts on Beckham's one-stock investment philosophy. "He seemed supportive...I think. Icahn called me recently asking if he could buy out my 'metrosexual pansy ass stake' in Herbalife for a statement he's trying to make. I started to ask if the statement was from the Herbable and he cut me off with, 'yes or no, goddammit. Just yes or-- actually just yes. Okay, done.' And he hung up. Seems like we're on the same side...right?"
Rather than shake his baseless faith in Herbalife, we instead turned to his wife Victoria for comment about her husband's investments. She flushed and replied, "Oh, oh no thank you. I'm just not hungry."