Great as they were, I couldn't decide on any of the fantasy football team names my son suggested.
My favorite, LeBron James Has the Worst Breath Ever It Smells Like Rotten Fish Going Up His Rectum, exceeded the cbssports.com fantasy football name character-limit, rendering my son's cerebral effort in vain.
So I did what I always do when I need to brainstorm. I moved my bowels. On the toilet. Over the course of seven bowel movements during a two-day span (because hemorrhoids be damned; I love shitting), I got absolutely nowhere.
The deuce was flowing but not the ideas.
I had my team and my starting lineup set for week 1, but no team name. So I entered unsharted (get it?) territory, electing to use just a placeholder as Green Bay and Seattle kicked off for the first game of the season.
I get very excited for the season premiere of the NFL, even though it's on a Thursday and even though Roger Goodell is the worst fucking thing that's ever happened to sports. Plus I had a rooting interest with Randall Cobb as one of my starting wide receivers.
I plopped on the couch and got into the proper mindset, which is where I work myself up into a panic attack because my player isn't scoring despite the fact the game hasn't started. But I was able to manage that crisis by agonizing over my lack of a team name. It's a great way to live.
It didn't take long for me to ease out of it. At the 7:58 mark of the first quarter, from Al Michaels' beautiful mouth sprang forth my inspiration.
"Wilson is sacked by the rookie out of Alabama, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix."
He said what? I thought.
I rewound so that I heard the name correctly. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has to be the greatest name in the history of sports. Better than D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Longar Longar, God Shammgod, Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje (pronounced Boom Chay Boom Chay), or my previous favorite Chief Kickingstallionsims, pictured below.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was a standout for the Alabama Crimson Tide, so how I'd never heard of him was beyond me. But what counted is that in a flash, I had my team name:
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix.
And my team logo:
The best part was that Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth insisted on speaking the man's entire name throughout the night when he was involved in a play. And you know that was no accident. They were having a laugh in the booth, those two rascals were.
"Ha Ha Clinton-Dix" in my book has replaced "Do you believe in miracles?" as the most memorable Al Michaels quote.
All I could think of was that brilliant skit from Key & Peele where players with absurd names introduce themselves:
Can't you just hear Ha Ha Clinton-Dix fitting in nicely between Jackmerius Tacktheritrix and Javaris Jamar Javarion-Lamar?
The night only got sweeter from there as Randall Cobb scored a touchdown for me against Seattle's impossible defense. I'd go on to win my week as well as the next. I am 2-0 and it's all because of my new fantasy football team name.
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