NPR Wrote a Bad Harvey Weinstein Story

Harvey Weinstein is a sexual predator, assailant, and rapist who jerks off on plants. Those are the allegations, but it’s hard giving the benefit of the doubt to a man who’s been accused of sex crimes by three dozen women and counting. Plus, there’s that Goddamn tape of him trying to coerce a model into... Read more »

We Cannot Pray Away The Las Vegas Shooting

“Thoughts and Prayers” has become the laziest, emptiest, most vile and un-actionable response to mass shootings.  We’ve been hearing it for too long since Columbine, an event so shocking and horrible in its singularity, we figured that shooting was an outlier with the frequency of the Hale-Bopp comet. We were obviously wrong because since then... Read more »

Jerry Lewis Was Actually A Dick

Jerry Lewis, icon, comedian, philanthropist, Nutty Professor, and Crying Clown died today. He was 91. He was also a dick. His body is barely cold, yes, but he was a frosty individual for much of his life. First let’s acknowledge the good: The “Jerry’s Kids” telethons raised $2 billion for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, and Lewis entertained... Read more »
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Chris Cornell Performed Badmotorfinger For Me When I Was Too Young to Appreciate Grunge

My Dad surprised me with tickets to see Guns N’ Roses on New Year’s Eve 1991 at Joe Robbie Stadium, home of the Miami Dolphins. GNR was touring in support of their smash double album Use Your Illusion 1 & 2. They were rock gods approaching the apex of their career. Dad scored us great... Read more »

How I Discuss Trump With My Kids Without Terrifying Them

The silver lining of the Trump presidency living nightmare, besides watching his signature policies fail miserably, is that I’ve become a masterful bullshitter to my kids. My 24/7 horror, indignation, and contempt that mirrors the 24/7 Trump news cycle is topped by my ability to sugarcoat these feelings in the company of my 9-year-old son.... Read more »

My Monologue While Showering My Son

Privacy, like a third nipple, is an aberration in my house. My kids only allow it by accident. If I’m granted five good minutes to remove my ear hair, it’s because my older son is lost in a Minecraft day dream or my 4-year-old has paused to pee on the carpet in his room. It’s... Read more »
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5 Ways My Kids Are Always Interrupting

There is nothing more important than my children. Just ask them. No need actually, because they’ll interrupt you before you can finish your question. Whatever idea, thought, question, declaration or bodily function they formulate is critical and must be expressed now. Percolating, marinating, chewing over be damned! Like Donald Trump’s tweets, they exercise no impulse-control.... Read more »

5 Reasons Springing Forward is a Steaming Pile of Excrement

Sometime around 2am Sunday, we lost an hour of our day by springing forward, thus fulfilling our commitment to perhaps the stupidest fucking practice dutifully executed by the human race: Daylight Savings Time. Yes, we vaporized an hour of sleep that all people–babies, teens, millennials, parents, and KellyAnne Conway–could surely have used so our precious sun... Read more »

Movie Theaters are Awesome Again

Holy shit, have you been to the movies lately? If you haven’t, you gotta go. Now! Movie theaters are awesome again. Hang up on your grandma. Pinch it off, and finish dropping a deuce later. Tell your 5th grader to finish her essay on Ancient Egyptian Mummification on her own. If your local theater still has... Read more »
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Forgetting the Dead is Worse than Screwing Up Best Picture

Today the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that the PricewaterhouseCoopers employees who pulled the wrong envelope for Best Picture will not be invited back to the Oscars. “We have spent last night and today investigating the circumstances, and will determine what actions are appropriate going forward,” the Academy said on Tuesday before... Read more »
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    David Telisman

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the spring...er...extended winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at david.telisman@gmail.com. Thank you for reading!

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