Five Signs It's Thanksgiving Time

The weather has thrown a bit of a wrench in my post. As I write this, we are experiencing the heaviest first-snow-of-the-season on record. Naturally, the local media is treating snowfall in Chicago–located 2,882 miles north of the equator with an average annual snow accumulation of 50+ inches–as a 9/11, Paris, Pearl Harbor, Hotel Rwanda,... Read more »

How to Manage Your Children's Halloween Candy

They say death and taxes are the two certainties in life. There is a third: kids eat candy until they throw up. It’s interesting how picky they are with vegetables and other healthy foods that don’t taste good to them.  But dump candy in front of a child, and like a mongrel chowing on a... Read more »

How To Protect Your Balls From Your Children

Children inevitably go for your balls. They don’t mean to hurt you because they don’t yet understand all that your balls encompass. It’s difficult for them not to batter you since kids spend about a year of their life at eye-level with your nuts, and they move with the grace of the Tasmanian Devil. It’s... Read more »

Five Reasons Chicago Needs To Cancel Fall

Chicago puts fall on a pedestal, and it makes no Goddamn sense. I guess darker and shorter days, colder temperatures, road construction, and report cards are somehow appealing. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to put a stop to spring and summer, but maybe with your help I’ll have better luck this time. Here are five reasons Chicago... Read more »

Now That My Son is Potty-Trained, Life Is More Difficult

Once again the game has changed in Casa del Telisman. Our youngest is out of diapers and now does his business in the toilet and on the floor. My wife spent her day off putting him through potty-training boot camp. I would have done the same except I didn’t want to. She succeeded with the... Read more »

Fantasy Football Is Distracting My Son From The Virginia Shooting

For the first time I am co-managing a fantasy football team with my son. Last season, his contribution was a list of possible team names. Beyond that, he lost interest because fantasy football is nerdy and rife with boring statistics that would turn off any 6-year-old with a social life. Now that he’s 7, he’s... Read more »

This is What it Feels Like Dropping Off My Toddler at Day Care For the First Time

Parenthood is the most paradoxical experience of the human condition. We want to shape and mold happy and healthy young people, but in reality the best we can do is inflict the least amount of damage possible onto our children. The system is rigged, and the house or nature in this case always wins. Kids... Read more »

5 Pitfalls to Avoid Upon Returning From a Kid-Free Vacation

The last time my wife and I went on a vacation alone, I was just a B-cup. Five years and a size-and-a-half later, we finally got away for our 10th anniversary. I rediscovered the essence of freedom, for when you raise children you do not live in a free society. Escaping my children for a... Read more »

We Have A New Family Pet - Sort Of

The idea of having a pet while raising two young boys is nauseating. We tried out a pet on the lowest maintenance scale imaginable: a betta fish. Betta fish require less care than a sea monkey or plankton. But we still managed to fuck that up. We went on vacation for a week and figured... Read more »

More Stupid Answers to More Stupid Questions

Due to zero demand whatsoever, I present another edition of Stupid Answers to Stupid Questions. Mom Answers, the bastard offspring of, continues to churn out fakakta question after fakakta question about pregnancy and life after delivery. I’d like to think that my answers come from the heart and will help all who are expecting,... Read more »
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    David Telisman

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at Thank you for reading!

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