My Son's Way Of Telling Us He's Outgrown His Nap

It’s horrible when children reach milestones. We’re told to celebrate these moments, which is complete horseshit because I don’t like having a Molotov Cocktail blow up a routine that we in this house have worked hard to establish. The day your kid is officially potty-trained, for example, is the day you have to pull over,... Read more »

Lying is Good for Kids

Children are fucking liars and apparently it’s normal and good. Research shows that young kids who lie have higher IQ’s and that early lying proficiency (that’s a thing) correlates with strong social skills. That means that my son is equal parts Stephen Hawking without the body atrophy and Bill Clinton. Despite this, it feels like... Read more »

How I Know The Terrible Two's Have Arrived

Out of nowhere, our ever agreeable younger son has become insolent and stubborn. I understand it’s biological, and I should be well-equipped to deal with it, having experienced this phase with our other kid. But does he have to have so much fun with it? Here’s how I know the Terrible Two’s have arrived: He... Read more »
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Eight Reasons Why Hanukkah Annoys Me

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights and Feast of Dedication. As a father who is responsible for human lives, it is also a reminder that I am getting older and more and more invisible by the second. During my lifetime, I have watched Hanukkah evolve from a cherished holiday to a cumbersome and burdensome week-plus... Read more »

How My 6-Year-Old Explained the Eric Garner Murder to Me

Every week when a white police officer kills an unarmed black person and is subsequently vindicated by a grand jury, the outraged community at large always asks, “How do I explain this to my kids?” That’s a fair question, but in my house I ask a different question: “How is my kid going to explain... Read more »

Three Ways My Two-Year-Old is a Danger to Himself and Us

Everyone always talks about the most dangerous places in the world, and the consensus is: Detroit The Brooklyn Water Bagel parking lot in Delray Beach at lunchtime Detroit at night Anywhere on the African continent I’m adding one to the list: My house because of my two-year-old. Below are three ways my two-year-old is a... Read more »
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Climate Change is Not Appropriate Locker Room Talk, Unless It's Truthful

I’ve been trying to workout more in the morning, but it’s a pain in the ass. Someone in my house, including me, is always awake in the middle of the night, so the endorphins that are supposed to stream through my system get absorbed by exhaustion. Sure, I get the workout over with, but then... Read more »

I Lost My First Fantasy Football Game of the Season

The world is fucked, and we are getting fucked with it. ISIS beheadings, Ferguson, Missouri, havoc in Hong Kong, ebola in Texas, white Bengal tigers eating unsuspecting New Delhians, minding their own business by hopping over protective zoo railings and invading dangerous predator dens, and I lost my first fantasy football game of the season.... Read more »

My Fantasy Football Team Name is Better Than Yours

Great as they were, I couldn’t decide on any of the fantasy football team names my son suggested. My favorite, LeBron James Has the Worst Breath Ever It Smells Like Rotten Fish Going Up His Rectum, exceeded the cbssports.com fantasy football name character-limit, rendering my son’s cerebral effort in vain. So I did what I... Read more »
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I Had to Confront My 2-Year-Old About His Inflated Ego

It is truly a marvel to watch my 2-year-old son develop. Physically, he’s growing as you would expect a healthy child to. Not too long ago, all he could do was turnover. Then, overnight it seemed, he was crawling, climbing himself up with the aid of furniture, walking and running. Cognitively, he’s a superstar. He’s... Read more »
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    David Telisman

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the spring...er...extended winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at david.telisman@gmail.com. Thank you for reading!

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