That Time My Son Shat His Bed Just To Be A Dick

You’re an idiot if you count on your children to stay potty-trained without any setbacks. Take it from me…an idiot. I’m a very black and white thinker, so I expect that following each milestone my kids will stay atop the mountain and never look back. For example, after my kids took their first steps then... Read more »

What To Expect When You Fly With Kids

Traveling with children is an ordeal. Home life can be challenging enough, but taking the show on the road is a different animal altogether. Packing their shit takes weeks, and it’s not just clothes you have to worry about. It’s snacks, lovies, car seats, toys, sippy cups, and electronics, among other things. These items, along with... Read more »

My Son Is 99.999 Percent Potty Trained

Since my last post about potty-training, we’ve made great strides with my 3-year-old. All it took was a lot of pain and some sphincter relaxation. To recap, my son’s been pishing in the toilet (and on our grass) for months now. My wife dedicated a weekend to potty-training boot camp. She confined our boy and herself... Read more »

Remembering The Worst First Night of Hanukkah

It’s a wrap. Hanukkah 2015 is in the books, and all things considered, it was a success. My children were grateful* for their presents, my oldest son made gifts for us, and he even actively participated in the rituals, lighting the candles each night without setting our house and neighborhood ablaze. Despite my hangups with... Read more »

Five Signs It's Thanksgiving Time

The weather has thrown a bit of a wrench in my post. As I write this, we are experiencing the heaviest first-snow-of-the-season on record. Naturally, the local media is treating snowfall in Chicago–located 2,882 miles north of the equator with an average annual snow accumulation of 50+ inches–as a 9/11, Paris, Pearl Harbor, Hotel Rwanda,... Read more »

How to Manage Your Children's Halloween Candy

They say death and taxes are the two certainties in life. There is a third: kids eat candy until they throw up. It’s interesting how picky they are with vegetables and other healthy foods that don’t taste good to them.  But dump candy in front of a child, and like a mongrel chowing on a... Read more »

How To Protect Your Balls From Your Children

Children inevitably go for your balls. They don’t mean to hurt you because they don’t yet understand all that your balls encompass. It’s difficult for them not to batter you since kids spend about a year of their life at eye-level with your nuts, and they move with the grace of the Tasmanian Devil. It’s... Read more »

Five Reasons Chicago Needs To Cancel Fall

Chicago puts fall on a pedestal, and it makes no Goddamn sense. I guess darker and shorter days, colder temperatures, road construction, and report cards are somehow appealing. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to put a stop to spring and summer, but maybe with your help I’ll have better luck this time. Here are five reasons Chicago... Read more »

Now That My Son is Potty-Trained, Life Is More Difficult

Once again the game has changed in Casa del Telisman. Our youngest is out of diapers and now does his business in the toilet and on the floor. My wife spent her day off putting him through potty-training boot camp. I would have done the same except I didn’t want to. She succeeded with the... Read more »

Fantasy Football Is Distracting My Son From The Virginia Shooting

For the first time I am co-managing a fantasy football team with my son. Last season, his contribution was a list of possible team names. Beyond that, he lost interest because fantasy football is nerdy and rife with boring statistics that would turn off any 6-year-old with a social life. Now that he’s 7, he’s... Read more »
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    David Telisman

    I am a vitamin D-deficient former Floridian--who, despite the winter--loves Chicago. I contradicted convention (and common sense) by moving FROM the beach to the Midwest, but Lou Malnati's and any Italian beef sandwich reinforce that I made the right decision. I also got a wife and two sons out of it, and I would do anything for my family, except miss a Miami Hurricanes football game. This is my take on fatherhood. You can contact me at Thank you for reading!

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