Super Bowl fallout: Everyone was cheating

Super Bowl fallout: Everyone was cheating

In the aftermath of one of the most watched (and perhaps one of the best) Super Bowls in history, Sunday's big game has gained yet another superlative: The Cheatingest Super Bowl of All Time.

The controversy began during the media's overanalysis of the game in the weeks leading up to Sunday, as Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was alleged to have used deer-antler spray to hasten his recovery from a torn triceps in October.

The day of the Super Bowl, Lewis agreed to a urine test and tested negative for the spray, settling the matter before kickoff. He did test positively, however, for having replaced his arm entirely with a robotic limb.

Lewis was not alone in his cheating.

Teammate Ed Reed made his ninth career postseason interception, tying him for the record in that category. A post-game uniform check revealed, however, that he had used the same black gooey stuff that wide receiver Rashid "Hot Hands" Hanon used unsuccessfully in the Giants' classic 1994 victory over the Cowboys, which won coach Danny O'Shea ownership of older brother Kevin's car dealership. Unlike Hanon, Reed was able to avoid getting his hands stuck to his jersey.

Randy Moss also cheated.

GoDaddy.com once again drew attention for its controversial Super Bowl commercials. Further reviews of the television ads revealed that something is wrong with either the company or America, or both, although no cheating has been alleged.

Twitter reported 24.1 million tweets during the Super Bowl, but a mandatory pregame coding inspection showed the social media giant had doctored its calculators using techniques known to boost such records by five to seven million tweets.

Frank Gore, Dennis Pitta, and Alex Smith were also found to be cheaters.

CBS broadcaster Phil Simms underwent significant scrutiny during the game, as viewers speculated on the reason for his enormous head. Reasons suggested included dog tail growth hormones, commercial fertilizer biscuits, and a massive ego. None, however, would be considered to have violated the rules of broadcasting, as they did little to improve his performance during the game.

Jacoby Jones: Stop cheating.

One of the night's biggest storylines focused around John and Jim Harbaugh, who were set to become the first brothers ever to coach against each other in the Super Bowl. The label has since been modified, though, to "the first half-brothers ever to coach against each other in the Super Bowl," as Mrs. Harbaugh was found to have cheated.

My friend Danny came away with over $4 in gambling winnings after the Ravens defeated the 49ers, but the results of his pre-game time travel test came back positive, and he was forced to forfeit the earnings.

Beyoncé, meanwhile, did not cheat or lip sync, and her performance was amazing, and people loved it, and it was totally her singing and who even cares about the inauguration she's the queen ALL HAIL.

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    Jake Grubman

    Jake Grubman is a 24-year-old once and future student taking a minute to reflect and ramble on arts, entertainment, and current events. He, too, would have boycotted Sal's Famous but is still unsure if Mookie did the right thing. He has the Scottie Pippen of wrestling action figure collections.

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