The best lawyer jokes

The best lawyer jokes

There are lots of hilarious, just hilarious lawyer jokes out there like what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?  But I’m here today to compile a list of ones that actually make people (and by people I mean me) laugh.

From Steven Wright

I went to court for a parking ticket and plead not guilty by reason of insanity.
I asked the Judge what time it was. He told me and I said “No further questions.”

Anthony Jeselnik
My brother in law is a state trooper and said the only way he’d let someone out of a DUI is if they gave him a blowjob.  I said, hey scumbag, you’re married to my sister.  Just give me the ticket.

From me
What type of chef makes the best lawyer?  A sous chef.

George Carlin
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Jerry Seinfeld
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Louis CK
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.

Daniel Tosh
On speaking at a high school graduation:  “I refuse to give that generic speech, I look out her I see future lawyers and doctors.  I gave the real speech.  There’s felons here.”

From my son (clearly great humor runs in the family)

Where is the lawyer capital of the United States located?  Sioux City.

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