There are lots of hilarious, just hilarious lawyer jokes out there like what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? But I’m here today to compile a list of ones that actually make people (and by people I mean me) laugh.
From Steven Wright
I went to court for a parking ticket and plead not guilty by reason of insanity.
I asked the Judge what time it was. He told me and I said “No further questions.”
My brother in law is a state trooper and said the only way he’d let someone out of a DUI is if they gave him a blowjob. I said, hey scumbag, you’re married to my sister. Just give me the ticket.
What type of chef makes the best lawyer? A sous chef.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce … That would be sad. If two people were married and they were really and they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times.
On speaking at a high school graduation: “I refuse to give that generic speech, I look out her I see future lawyers and doctors. I gave the real speech. There’s felons here.”
From my son (clearly great humor runs in the family)
Where is the lawyer capital of the United States located? Sioux City.
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