A couple of times a week I write about actual laws and legal issues. But what I haven’t touched on are the un-written rules of the world. Here are the 20 most important that should guide your life.
- You can’t give yourself a nickname. I had a friend in college who was called cub because his older brother was called bear. He didn’t like that and wanted a “cooler” nickname like cobra or the duke. Yeah, that wasn’t happening and he was forever known as cub. Just try and give yourself a nickname. It won’t work unless you are a rapper, fighter or your name is Shaquille O’Neal.
- Nobody cares about your kids. I’m not including grandparents or maybe even a best friend, but if you are talking about all the great things that your kid is doing, then you are going to be drowned out. No one cares, especially single people, that Johnny rolled over at 3 months when most kids don’t do that until four months.
- You can’t change someone’s mind on abortion or gun laws, so don’t bother. I’d be fine if no one ever could have a gun except the military and cops. You want to tell me about the 2nd amendment, your rights, etc. I don’t care what you think and you don’t care what I think. And compared to how we differ on abortion, the gun talk would be civil. Keep this talk to yourself as we will get nowhere by discussing it.
- You can be a Cubs fan or Sox fan, but you can’t be both.
- Don’t shout in to your cell phone. Wear a blue tooth if you must, but these guys that have loud conversations on their cell phones need to stop. It’s beyond obnoxious. What is it about a cell phone that makes the user act as if everyone around them wants to hear what they are saying?
- It’s impossible to make thousands a week working from home and if that job existed, it wouldn’t be found on a piece of paper attached to a light post or on bulletin board at Starbucks. Let’s make offering that job and/or falling for it a felony.
- IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ARE NOT LEGALLY BLIND THEN YOU SHOULD BE CONSIDERED TO BE CRAZY. Better yet, let’s remove the caps lock from computers.
- Nobody wants you to forward a joke e-mail. They aren’t funny and they are never read. The geniuses at Google need to create a program to stop this from happening.
- Comparing someone to Hitler will never end well or be appropriate. You may hate President Obama or may have hated President Bush. You might know for certain that they are the worst people ever. But they aren’t as bad as Hitler.
- Spray tan never looks good so let’s ban it.
- You can’t tell a joke as good as the comedian you heard the other day. Your joke is just like theirs without the presence, timing and they weren’t giggling their way through it. Stop trying and just send me the video of it so I can delete it. This includes your imitation of Will Ferrell imitating Harry Caray (yes Ryan Dempster we are talking to you).
- Whether Obama or Romney wins, they are your President. I love the people that say stuff like, “He’s not my President.” Really? Did you give up your citizenship? If you truly feel that way then we need a law that requires you to put your money where your mouth is and leave the country.
- You can’t find a spouse on a dating show. No matter how many times my wife makes me watch The Bachelor with her, it’s never going to have a happy ending. See http://screen.yahoo.com/burning-love for the most successful dating show ever.
- You can’t wear a jersey of a player that is younger than you. It’s cool if your kid wears a Derek Rose jersey. But if you are in your 40’s then it’s just sad. Same for autographs. Adults that worship athletes shouldn’t be allowed to go to the games. You can love the team and the excitement of the game, but if you wet yourself because Alfonso Soriano walked by you in the mall then you need to get your head examined. And if this is allowed then I’m allowed to put back up the Christie Brinkley poster I had on my bedroom wall as a kid.
- You can’t tell someone that they are a valuable customer and then treat them like crap. Comcast (surprise) is the worst at this. Instead of having a computer voice tell me how much I mean to them, why don’t you get me to a live person that can solve my problem so I can get back to sitting on my butt on the couch and not doing what I really should be doing.
- I know people need jobs, but we need to outlaw bathroom attendants. Once a year I got to Gibson's with my best friend to celebrate our birthdays. Let me plagiarize from Bill Maher for a moment to describe how I feel when I use their restroom: After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. (and no, I didn’t violate rule #11, this is my list).
- No more dancing or singing like no one is watching. We are watching. Because you give us no choice. And it’s uncomfortable.
- If you want to re-make a classic movie, you need to put it to a public vote. Has this ever worked out well? Do we need a 2012 version of Slap Shot? I submit that we do not. If we aren’t careful, Dane Cook is going to end up playing Carl Spackler in a re-make of Caddyshack.
- If you are an adult, you can not have a Facebook post that brags about your athletic prowess in high school. And if you do, it must state, “This is when I peaked in life.”
- Finally, bloggers need to stop making random lists. It’s just low brow, trolling, link bait that needs to end.
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