Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are getting divorced. I'm sure you are as broken up about that as I am. Forget about phonies saying gay marriage is ruining traditional marriage. Let's talk about all the people out there who have no business getting married in the first place. I propose the following laws to protect the so-called sanctity of marriage.
1. No one under 30 can get married. Statistics show that waiting until you're at least 30 before tying the knot gives you the best chance at staying married. Think about how much you change in your 20s. If you and your spouse don't change in the same ways, you're doomed.
2. A celebrity can't marry another celebrity. These fail so often and so quickly, it's almost a joke. Like Ashlee and Pete... Is anyone surprised?
3. Prenups for everyone. Decide ahead of time how to divvy things up if the marriage ends in divorce. This will save time, money and drama. And it will discourage gold digging, which brings me to my next point.
4. You can't marry someone who is three times your age. Does this one even need an explanation?
5. Two shots at it and that's it. By the third marriage, the chances of survival go way down. It's not necessary to marry a third, fourth or fifth time. You're just asking for trouble.
6. You have to live together for at least a year before getting married. Screw religion, values, etc. You don't really know someone until you live with them. And absolutely no more of this nonsense where people know each other for six weeks and get engaged.
7. If you prove your spouse cheated without your consent, you get the house if you own one. I think this would be a good deterrent. I have a handful of friends who have cheated on their spouses. Most of them wouldn't do it if there was a financial penalty.
Of course, these laws would never come to be. But it would be nice if a law reflected reality for once. If you have anything to add to the list, let me know.
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