Recently I read an article where an adopted person wondered if they would feel a different kind of love, if they met/were around, someone biologically related to them. In my years on this Earth, I've thought about this topic about half a billion times. Wondering just what emotional differences I would feel, if I was ever around biological family. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful and thankful for having solid adopted parents, I just wondered if being around biological family would fill an, odd, void in my heart. During the Summer of 1998 I had received a partial answer to that quandary.
Naturally, I'm living across the country at the time, but my biological Mother was found healthy and wanting to see me. My heart soars as it races. Might I die of a heart attack?! As fast as possible, I head back home, time to solve this riddle.
I set up and arrange a meeting! The answers to all of my Life's questions are imminent. Like a nightmare, I didn't get to spend 5 mins alone with my biological Mother. I was bombarded by every other, biological, family member they surrounded me with. That was the last time I, might ever, see her. Within mere months, my Life got turned to hell. It would be almost a decade before I even had enough time to think of them again.
Its now 2009 and I'm sitting there, talking with a good friend. Out of nowhere I ask her,"Do you think they even remember me?". Utterly confused, as I would be, she inquires about what I'm talking about. Once I explain everything, she says I should look them up and see what I can find out. "It couldn't hurt", as she put it.
I don't need to rehash that story. If you need clarity, check here. Enjoy!
Needless to say, I never got to answer that question. I still don't know what its like to love someone who is biologically related to me. I can't say it doesn't bother me but I can't say that it does bother me all the same. Maybe its just not meant to be.
Experts do say that adopted people can, and a lot do, have issues with the whole complex of Nature vs Nurture. I want to say its a total farce but I can't. Deep down, I DO have a detachment conundrum. My nature is pretty... distant would be the right word. Maybe it has to do with the years of hell and the simple fact that family wasn't family then. They didn't step up to the plate like any, GOOD, family would have done. Sounds like my biological family as well. You get the general idea of why I'm not close to any adopted or biological family.
In that same article, stated earlier, the adopted person had given birth to a child, not too many months before, and she said,"...it wasn't a decoder unlocking my past, it was a key to my future". I really took that as a,"You don't need to let your past history, known or unknown, really define how you are and the person you become.". I'd like to believe that wholeheartedly but its tough for me to do so.
I wish it was in my Nature to nurture a loving relationship with the World around me, especially those deemed to be my family but so much has happened. Too many wrongs have transpired for me to easily, and fully, open up and accept those people again. I try to be a forgiving individual but I can't, its not apart of my nature. I can't forget the wrongs, though I wish I could. Its tough being a family unto yourself. Maybe I should learn to love unconditionally, even when family is nothing more than a pipe dream. After all, shouldn't we have loved ones around to help take the weight of the World off of our shoulders?!
We all want to be surrounded by people who love and care for us, even those of us that seem to thrive on being independent or are a step removed from conventional, day to day, society. Shouldn't everyone have some family for them to love and care for? Is that too much to ask for? Is it even a possibility?
I dare not dream again. I'd rather not have my hopes, dreams and heart smashed into infinite shards.