The Top 16 Reasons why I'm Farting while You're Hitting on Me

The Top 16 Reasons why I'm Farting while You're Hitting on Me

This is my life. Thanks for #14, Marlena Riddell. It's my favorite.

  1. You talk about your job in the first 30 seconds of conversation. Hi, I'm John and I work for dicksuckdotcom. I don't care.
  2. You tell me about your cat. Nothing screams emotional instability like a grown man with a pet cat.
  3. I had eggs for dinner.
  4. You're drunk, I'm not interested. And gassy. It's the perfect storm. Unfortunately you're not George Clooney.
  5. You make fun of someone in an attempt to make me laugh. I'm gonna fart in an envelope and mail it to your house. It might leak.
  6. You have a different pattern of shirt inside your cuff sleeves and they're rolled up as if that were something to show off. Your shirt sucks and so do you.
  7. You're a shitty tipper. You're cheap and I used to bartend. I hate your guts.
  8. Your shirt is unbuttoned to party level 3. Nothing shouts Chester Molester louder. Except for that hideous gold chain around your neck.
  9. It's cold in here.
  10. I have ADD, but even if I didn't I'd still be staring off into the distance not listening to your never-ending monologue regarding your religious views. I hate you and so does God.
  11. You shave your chest. You're supposed to be a man. Men have hair on their chest. That girl who made you get waxed before your trip to Cancun was a headcase. You shave=you love crazy bitches=you're crazy.
  12. You didn't try my shoe on when I asked you to. Clearly you have no sense of humor. Or fashion. My shoes are awesome.
  13. My farts smell better than your breath.
  14. You look like Gimli, Son of Gloin. And that's no Orc horn.
  15. It slipped. If you're the hot brothers from Montreal that were at Nick's Beer Garden, it wasn't me! I swear!!! It was my roommate!!!! Okay, Call meeeeee....
  16. I don't like you. Get lost.

I would like to inappropriately dedicate this blog to my Grandpa. He was an incredibly talented writer, among other things. He was passionate, funny and loving. He had a pet alligator named scruffy. I will miss him dearly.

 

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