This is my life. Thanks for #14, Marlena Riddell. It's my favorite.
- You talk about your job in the first 30 seconds of conversation. Hi, I'm John and I work for dicksuckdotcom. I don't care.
- You tell me about your cat. Nothing screams emotional instability like a grown man with a pet cat.
- I had eggs for dinner.
- You're drunk, I'm not interested. And gassy. It's the perfect storm. Unfortunately you're not George Clooney.
- You make fun of someone in an attempt to make me laugh. I'm gonna fart in an envelope and mail it to your house. It might leak.
- You have a different pattern of shirt inside your cuff sleeves and they're rolled up as if that were something to show off. Your shirt sucks and so do you.
- You're a shitty tipper. You're cheap and I used to bartend. I hate your guts.
- Your shirt is unbuttoned to party level 3. Nothing shouts Chester Molester louder. Except for that hideous gold chain around your neck.
- It's cold in here.
- I have ADD, but even if I didn't I'd still be staring off into the distance not listening to your never-ending monologue regarding your religious views. I hate you and so does God.
- You shave your chest. You're supposed to be a man. Men have hair on their chest. That girl who made you get waxed before your trip to Cancun was a headcase. You shave=you love crazy bitches=you're crazy.
- You didn't try my shoe on when I asked you to. Clearly you have no sense of humor. Or fashion. My shoes are awesome.
- My farts smell better than your breath.
- You look like Gimli, Son of Gloin. And that's no Orc horn.
- It slipped. If you're the hot brothers from Montreal that were at Nick's Beer Garden, it wasn't me! I swear!!! It was my roommate!!!! Okay, Call meeeeee....
- I don't like you. Get lost.
I would like to inappropriately dedicate this blog to my Grandpa. He was an incredibly talented writer, among other things. He was passionate, funny and loving. He had a pet alligator named scruffy. I will miss him dearly.
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