CHICAGO - The process of getting your name on the Stanley Cup is pretty clear cut. However, the Chicago Blackhawks are doing whatever they can to make sure that defenseman Sheldon Brookbank's name doesn't find his name on the cup.
"We like Sheldon, don't get us wrong," stated Chicago Blackhawks General Manager Stan Bowman. "But, I'd rather have his name replaced with 'Cement Turnstile' or 'Really Nice Guy that Wore #17'...I'd prefer the latter...but the NHL office said that's too long. Whatever. They can fit Jean-Jacques Daigneault from the '93 Canadiens, but not that? BS."
The problem for the Blackhawks is that Brookbank played in more than half of the club's 48 games during the 2012-13 campaign. By virtue of this accomplishment, Brookbank's name will get on the cup if the Hawks are able to defeat the Boston Bruins in the Stanley Cup Finals.
"I played in 26 games, bitch!" proclaimed the veteran defenseman at a local Chicago watering hole. "All I gotta do now is sit back, drink up, relax, and hope Duncs doesn't get suspended again. These are the daaaaaaaayyyyyyssss!"
Brookbank was the only Blackhawks defenseman who finished the season on the negative side of the +/- statistic; finishing at a -2.
"People wanna judge on what?" slurred Brookbank. "Plus/Minus is a stat for like...Don Cherry...people look at stuff like...what is that? CORSTY? CORDSY? I dunno. Shit, I don't even know what my stats are in that either....Remember that goal I scored against the Oilers? Huh? HUH?! That was a blast. That was a big goal. Big goal. Malort. I love you."
Brookbank's goal against the Oilers was his only point of the season.
The main reason for the push to eliminate his name comes from his poor play in the regular season and the playoffs. Brookbank was a -2 while playing in Duncan Keith's absence for Game 4. Despite the negative play, the Blackhawks still won 3-2.
"Listen, we advanced. Without those two goals, we don't get pressured into scoring a third goal! See? See how I helped this team? I'm a motivator...and a drinker...and an accountant."
The National Hockey League has yet to respond to the Blackhawks request.