Twas the Night Before the Cubs Home Opener

Twas the Night Before the Cubs Home Opener
ayyyyyy, dis team sucks!

Twas the night before the home opener, when all around the Cubs

There seemed to be a stench; hovering over it were bugs

The ‘W’ flags were hung by the flagpoles with care,

In hopes they’d be used before Ernie Banks gets back hair

 

The children were nestled in bed; feeling quite rich,

But were scarred with nightmarish visions of having to see Marmol pitch

Most of us fans just awoke from a long winter’s slumber

To find out we’re stuck watching Dave Sappelt all summer

 

In the night, I dreamed of the game going on the next days

And how it would destroy me in all the different ways

I woke up with a vision, and screamed, ‘Nobody knows where the ball is!’

When a voice boomed down, ‘Sorry. It’s with Alberto Gonzalez.’

 

The depression of these new players hit me with a force

Rondon?! Gonzalez?!  Run me over with a horse!

Takahashi?  Fujikawa? New Japanese pitchers excite…

Until I realize we actually need a lead to use them. Great. All right!

 

As we sleep, I see a team with poor closing, and bad middle relief

I see a lack of power and no speed; good grief!

I see a lot of fifth infielders and fourth outfielders getting starts

While most of us wanna rip ourselves into tiny little parts

 

Still, as my dream continues, I get this odd feeling

Castillo and Valbuena both hit .280 and Fujikawa has no ceiling!

Samardzija is an all-star, and there’s nothing Schierholtz can’t catch,

People trying to steal on Castillo is becoming a stretch!

 

Rizzo is putting up numbers like power first basemen do,

And Castro is just about to hit his groove!

Lillibridge is traded for a lifetime supply of Mr. Pibbs

And Soriano hits .300 with 30 homers and 110 Ribbs.

 

In my dream, the wins are beginning to mount, and we’re all so stunned,

To the point that we might actually like Tom Tunney; that irrational bum.

The team is in first, to everybody’s surprise

The critics are silenced, and unable to analyze!

 

As the excitement grows, and the clinching day is near,

I get this odd, perplexing fear.

My eyes open up and I’m hit with a thought,

That all of my dreams were all for naught.

 

With the happiness that came at the start of the dream

It hits me that the Cubs have Brent Lillibridge on their team

We’re stuck with him, Sappelt, and Marmol, too

We’re stuck with 100 losses, but that you already knew

 

There’s no wish list, no Sveum with a magic wand

The Cubs are bad in Chicago, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, or Milan

So let’s stop pretending that something might change with some luck

It’s the night before Cubbie Christmas…And the Cubbies still suck.

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