NAPERVILLE – Wendy Johnson of Bolingbrook isn’t a college basketball fan.
“I’m usually spending most of my time watching Smash, The Bachelor, Myrtle Manor…you know, the normal stuff. Just snuggling with my fleece and drinking some cocoa. But now March is coming, so, BLEH! I have to fill out that stupid bracket again so I can win my fifth consecutive office pool.”
Johnson is just another person in a long line of non-knowing college basketball fans winning office pools, these days.
“Everybody’s been suspicious,” said Amerton CEO James Matten. “Two years ago somehow gets Butler and Virginia Commonwealth? C’mon.”
“I have a system that just seems to work,” said Johnson. “I’m usually picking Butler to go deep because I LOVE Clue. And I loved Tim Curry as a kid. Big crush. Aaaaaaaaand I like picking teams with old school colonial names like Duke. The Dyoook! That’s a liquid ‘u’! The Dyoook of Windsor! (laughs) Oh, and Virginia Commonwealth. Sounds regal. I can just see an ole confederate soldier on his horseback sayin, ‘welkum to tha COMMONwealth of Vuhjinyah. So, yeah. Science.”
Others like Tom Baldwin are furious.
“I’ve been sitting here all day thinking about how Syracuse’s zone defense will perform against UNLV’s offense, and while I’m racking the internet searching for Jim Boeheim’s record against the Mountain West, I hear this…this…whiny sound from Accounting. There she is. Dumb as a box of bricks. Johnson just sitting there with her bracket going, ‘okeeee…okeeee….But. Ler. Okeeee….Valah. Per. Ayyyyso…oooookeeeee.’ You just want to shoot her.”
Johnson also stated that her picks for 2013 will be largely based on her favorite food: cheese.
“Three of my final four come from the two largest cheese producing states. My fourth one has to do with bluegrass. It also rhymes with Blooeyville. Hahahahah! I’m so funny!”
Johnson has been able to purchase a year’s supply of Franzia with her annual winnings. This permits her to watch The Bachelor and Smash the way it was intended…plus, it helps her get over the hate she feels in the office.
“I’ve felt a backlash, but it’s nothing some Franzia can’t fix. Go Butler.”
The NCAA Tournament preliminary games start on Tuesday.