CHICAGO - In a surprising turn of events, Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts met with alderman Tom Tunney in regards to the Cubs' renovation of Wrigley Field. Just hours after Tunney made an odd request stating that the Cubs could move or remove their legendary scoreboard, Cubs brass shockingly took Tunney up on the offer.
"We could sit here and complain that Tom's only interests are with the rooftop owners, but that's just not true," stated Ricketts. "He's looking out for the good of the community. And if he's looking out for the good of the community, then he'll want to make sure that his neighborhood is informed...if he feels that his neighborhood needs to be informed, then maybe we could do a better job informing them. Which is why I'm pushing forth a proposal to turn the scoreboard around. Why? Look, we've been selfishly stealing information from rooftop owners for years: out of town scores, pitching changes, balls and strikes...many of those rooftops can't see the full scoreboard, sooooo...we'll just turn it around so they can see all of the scores and pitching changes, etc."
Tunney was flustered at the acceptance of the offer, but was still stunned that the Cubs did not state they would install a jumbotron either.
"If they move the board around, that makes the rooftop experience more enjoyable. I'm not sure what they're doing for the fans inside the park, but...that's just me," said a befuddled Tunney.
Shortly thereafter, Ricketts appeared amongst throngs of cameramen. Draped on each side were two 'Stephens Old Guys' that were their to 'make sure nobody roughs up ole Tommy'.
"We're takin' this beeotch to Rosemont! Peace!"
A throng of black Cadillacs filled with Italian men donning dark sunglasses escorted Ricketts down I-90 and into Rosemont. Upon arrival, 'contracted' workers of Rosemont began demolishing local homes and digging up dirt. The stadium is scheduled to be completed within one week, and as one Rosemont city councilman said, 'We get things done. Don't worry. It's all legal. 110% legal. Bulletproof.'
After the throngs of media left Waveland and Sheffield, Tunney sat alone. Stunned.
"I don't know what just happened."
An angry rooftop owner shouted to Tunney, "Hey, Tunney! What's the score?"
"Give it a couple weeks," said Tunney. "Give it a couple weeks. You'll see."
The Cubs will open up in Rosemont on April 8th. If not, one reporter was told by a Rosemont contractor that 'heads would roll.'