Secrets on How to Beat Blackhawks Found in Kristen Stewart's Hair at Oscars

Secrets on How to Beat Blackhawks Found in Kristen Stewart's Hair at Oscars

LOS ANGELES - After more than a month of searching, National Hockey League authorities have found out what they have longly suspected.

Late Sunday, at the Academy Awards, Twilight star Kristen Stewart's much talked about 'second-day hair' poofed so loudly that tiny bits of paper could be seen by league officials.  It is believed that these bits of paper were inserted by famed hair stylist 'Danilo'.  The stylist apparently stole the Blackhawks specialty teams playbook during their opening day victory against the Los Angeles Kings at the Staples Center, then chopped the papers into bits before inserting them into Stewart's hair.

"Kristen is imperfectly perfect.  By inserting the perfect bits of Blackhawks strategy into her imperfect hair, I found a reflection of love and vulnerability that best suits her character," stated the stylist.

NHL officials just want to know how the hell Danilo got his hands on the playbook.

"How a hair stylist goes into a locker room and steals a playbook is frightening.  How that same playbook wasn't duplicated electronically is even more frightening.  Now, we just need to wash Kristen's hair, get the bits out, and go to forensics.  The Blackhawks must be stopped," said one league official.

In the post-award ruckus, Stewart was mobbed by media questioning her new look.

"Well, you know....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  Sooooo...it's like...you know....a statement.....yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah."

Stewart then grabbed her crutches and hobbled to a cab.

Once league officials are able to piece together what was left inside the hair, they will disperse the secret information to every team in the league.  However, nobody is even sure if what is found can stop the Blackhawks.

"We don't know if Danilo has done this to other celebrities," said another league official.  "There might be a 5 on 3 sequence locked inside Adele's hair?  We don't know.  It's scary to think about."

The Blackhawks host the Edmonton Oilers tomorrow night at 7:30 p.m.

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