VILLA PARK - "I swear to f----n God, I just put that binky down right here!"
These are words heard across the Chicagoland area every morning. A parent struggles to get to work, but can't find their 10 month old child's binky.
"One day, I brought one downstairs," said Zion mother Debra Emmings. "I give it to Martha, I turn my back, and boom...it's gone. I ask here where it is, and of course she can't talk. I'm looking under every piece of furniture. I'm putting my hands through the garbage; now my hand smells...I'm checking underneath cushions, and because I'm checking underneath cushions I'm finding Cheez Its from three months ago that must've been sauteed in milk. I look around for 30 f----n minutes, and I can't find anything. But, but, BUT...you know what I can find? That one f'n state that's been missing from her state puzzle. I give a binky away for 15 seconds and I can't find it. BUT, I found Rhode Island. So. There's that."
An epidemic spread throughout Chicago, as parents continued to have binkies vanish from their sights. 100,000 binkies have been lost just in the past year. One parent is sure she bought 12 over the past two months, and can't find any of them.
Things got so bad for Naperville parent Jackie Gibbons that she resorted to nearly physically harming her children.
"I had it," said Gibbons. "I just had it. I lost three in one day. I just picked up my son Lance, turned him upside down, and I started shaking him. They called the cops. 'They' meaning McDonald's management....wait, did I tell you I was in a McDonald's? Yeah, I'm a bad parent, whatever. I think a binky stealer is a bit more important than a Happy Meal."
Nobody knew where the binkies went. One moment they were sitting on a table, the next moment they were gone. For many parents, they thought any hope of finding the stolen binkies. That was until Sunday.
On early Sunday, Villa Park police reported that Gary Murton was found in his home surrounded by 100,000 binkies. It is official. He is that asshole who has been stealing your binkies.
"I know that as a former parent, I'm proud of our force," said Villa Park police chief Mark Cummings. "I've lost binkies in the dark. There's nothing like stepping on a sharp toy at 4 a.m. with bare feet. Or scaring the living bejesus out of yourself by accidentally hitting the 'Speak'n'Spell'. This a-hole is gonna pay."
'This a-hole', Gary Murton, has been stealing binkies from all over the Chicagoland area for years. The chances are if you lost a binky in the last 25 years, Murton has it at his residence. He stands only four feet tall. He qualifies as a little person. He lurks in the night, waits for parents to go to sleep, grabs the binkies, wakes up the child, and puts hidden toys in the path of the parents.
"You ever heard a grown man scream after stepping on a fighter jet? It's gold," smiled Murton. "Sometimes, I'll grab the binkies, hide the wipes, move the diapers....I also like taking those tiny socks. I love those tiny socks. You know those cute tiny socks with the cherries on them? Yeah. I stole those. The little headband you reserved for her baptism photos? Yup. Jacked that, too. I pretty much probably have everything you've lost."
Upon hearing the news, many parents want swift justice.
"I'm pretty sure this is the same guy who took our puzzle pieces," said Oak Park mother Terry Watkins. "We put those pieces in specific bags. We let them out overnight, and then it was like some gremlin came and took it away. Along with that train track. We're missing one f'n train track. We've got six sets of trains, and yet we can't complete a f'n track. If that asshole has that track, I'm gonna kick his ass."
Murton's home was found with tiny socks, old train tracks, and small puzzle pieces.
However, it's what's under the ground that has authorities worried.
"We think he's got your cups, too," said police chief Cummings. "Those lids. You know those lids you keep losing. He's got them. Stacks. He told us we'd never find them. He started laughing maniacally. This is a sick, sick man."
Lost items can be retrieved by contacting the Villa Park Police Department at 847-555-5555.
(All articles by Chicago Tough are comedic in nature, and not truth. Why this disclaimer? Ask Stacey King)