CHICAGO - For the first time in franchise history the Chicago Blackhawks are 6-0. With a top notch penalty kill, a functional power play, and stellar goaltending, it's tough for anybody to find anything wrong with the Hawks.
However, Joel Quenneville has.
"I don't care about the power play goals, finishing in the top three in penalty killing, or the great job by Corey Crawford. Laugh it up all you want. Have a celebration. The truth is nobody's going to be successful unless that assbag in 126 gets his shit together. You can't pour that much foam and expect to be a top level beer vendor. It's inexcusable."
Many are wondering why Quenneville would focus on what seems to be such a minuscule issue.
"If the fans aren't happy, we're not happy. If they aren't cheering, we don't have home ice advantage. That beer man's inability to pour an efficient beer effects an entire section of hockey fans. Do you expect a man to focus on a hockey game with three-quarters of his beer filled with foam?! Hell, no! If that guy isn't demoted to handing out tickets on the 50/50 raffle, I'm kicking some ass upstairs."
The beer vendor is Charlie Upchurch of Rosemont. Upchurch is in his rookie season at the United Center.
"I wanna see Q try to haul 50 pounds of beer up and down the aisles every night. I don't get a shift change. We're moving between Bud and Bud Light. You're checking ID's...sometimes a pour doesn't go your way. It's how it goes. Maybe he should be focusing on how his team is 6-0, or how Sheldon Brookbank shouldn't be in the NHL."
"He's right. Maybe I should move Brookbank to the 100 level beer vending position. This guy should be selling media guides with the old assbags at the front of the UC."
When asked if he would continue to complain about non-hockey issues if the Hawks continue to win, Quenneville was adamant.
"I need to yell! Last year, I could just pick on John Scott whenever I had to. I would tell Carcillo to get penalties 150 feet from our net just so I could yell at him. I had issues to worry about. Real ones. Our power play sucked. My mustache wasn't the right shade...it was a bad year. Now? I'm just confused. The passes are crisp, the line changes are fluid...I'm...I don't know what to do."
Quenneville bowed his head and seemed to go into a full depressive state.
The Blackhawks play Minnesota on Wednesday.
(All articles by Chicago Tough are comedic in nature and not meant to be taken seriously...obviously)
Filed under: Chicago Blackhawks