LAKE FOREST - New Chicago Bears head coach Marc Trestman sent shockwaves through football by revealing what people could expect of his 2013 Chicago Bears.
"This...is a yard stick...and this is me snapping this yard stick in half! No more! No more! That's right, bitches...We're going metric in this mutha!"
Gasps throughout the press corps were immediately interrupted by Trestman's insistence that this shift was necessary for the future of the Bears, and football in general.
"I coached the Montreal Alouettes of the CFL. In Canada, we use the metric system like the rest of the world. You meatballs can now follow the more intelligent form of measurement. Trust me, this isn't a big deal...until NFL defenses get their MINDS BLOWN!"
Trestman's new system means that a '10 yard out' is a '9.144 meter and out'. The change means qb's and receivers will be able to talk openly about the distances of routes during play. NFL DB's, unable to decipher the metric system, will not have the time or ability to convert the information on the field.
"What I want people to know is that the Chicago Bears are no longer going to be a 2.7432 meters and a cloud of dust team...wait, I mean, three yards and a cloud of dust, or whatever you fancy-pants Americans use with your non-worldly measurement system. Excuse me, my mouth is dry. I need a Perrier break."
Trestman won two Grey Cups in Montreal after adapting to the universal metric system. Trestman, who was educated in the United States, had to learn about kilometers, meters, centimeters, etc. He states the experience will give the Bears a worldlier feel.
"In the first half of the year, I expect guys to run routes that are completely off. Just know this, Devin Hester will not be back. If we gave him this info, he'd be running into the stands."
The Bears normal pre-season conditioning requirement of a five mile run will be converted into a more 'metric-friendly' 8.04672 kilometer run.
Trestman is requesting patience with the public.
"This will take time. Day by day, inch by inch, we'll get there. I mean, 'day by day, 2.54 centimeters by 2.54 centimeters we'll get there.' Sorry."