CHICAGO - After hours of meetings with team officials, Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts has done a 180 on Wrigley Field renovations.
"After our announcement of the million dollar renovations at Wrigley Field, I heard from many Cubs fans that were against the changes. They want to keep Wrigley the same. It's apparent to me that they love pain with their baseball. And that they're delusional. And that they're pricks. Come to think of it, they don't deserve a damn thing. Screw them. We're DE-novating! It's time to make these traditionalists happy. We're moving back to the old times. They'll love it."
The old/new Wrigley Field will feature brand new 'non-amenities' like no concession stands; only vendors will walk around. Players will be announced through a megaphone and not a PA system. They will be removing the mini video board in central, plus, the scoreboard will only feature four games from each league (to match the amount of National League teams prior to 1960). All side displays of out-of-town scores will be removed, as well.
"It is with my great honor to announce that we will be tearing down the bleachers!" exclaimed a jubilant Ricketts. "Since I know most of these douchebags are probably bleacher romanticists, nothing will make me happier to make this announcement. Wrigley Field can go back to its true original state by destroying the bleachers. First, we'll be ripping off all of this ivy that was put on in the 30's. Then, we'll systematically destroy the bleachers and create a larger/wider grandstand with poorer sight-lines. Oh, happy day!"
The Cubs also announced the destruction of the press box, and, well...the entire second deck.
"These traditionalists are right," said Ricketts. "We need to go back to our roots! We need to get rid of this "upper deck" that was put in 13 years after we made this beautiful ballpark. It was fine the way it was! Oooh! I tell you what else we'll do! We'll up the ticket prices by ridiculous amounts in order to re-coup the money that we'll lose from tearing down so many seats! That will make the people who bought $1 bleacher tickets in 1969 piss their pants! Oh, yes!"
Along with the destruction of most of the stadium, Ricketts is trying to get other 1910's-ish feelings back to the neighborhood.
"We've asked Major League Baseball if we can really get back to how this field used to be...you know...with no blacks? That would be great. Oh! And I told Rahm, that if he could send some of the crime that used to rock this neighborhood prior to the mid 80's to return that would be AWESOME! It's just that...you know...people don't know the true history of Wrigley Field. They don't remember Wrigleyville after sundown like in the old days! Remember when you had to bolt of the area! Those were the days!"
The old/new Wrigley Field will hold 14,000. No games will be broadcast on TV or radio.
"Finally, Wrigley Field can stay the park it was always meant to be. Screw the new hotel! Screw the new video board! These new grandstand/non-elevated seats in deep left center 400 feet from the action are gonna be AWESOME!"
All de-novations begin February 1st.