Pete Carroll Still that Jerk From High School You Want to Punch in the Face

Pete Carroll Still that Jerk From High School You Want to Punch in the Face

CHICAGO - Moments after the Seattle Seahawks' 23-17 overtime victory over the Chicago Bears, Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll took his j-holeness to a whole new level. The veteran coach jumped around, pumped his fist, and smiled like a 1980's John Hughes movie villain.

"Aw, man, this is so great.  Just to think, it seemed like just the other day I was driving my Corvette to high school, punching nerds in the face, putting my arm around uncomfortable underclass girls, and screaming in delight after every 20th rep of my school's record-breaking bench press record...and now...I finished as one of the best football coaches in collegiate history, and now I'm working on being the best in the pros.  Hey...cutie pants...yeah, you Ms. Sidelines...come here...what's your sign, baby?"

Before the stirring victory on Sunday, Carroll spent two days in Chicago getting odd looks from passersby.  Each individual seemed to have the same reaction upon seeing Carroll.

"Wait, I know that guy," said Jimmy Berzinski of Lombard.  "Wasn't he that jagwad in high school who kept talking about how he's got a massive trust fund from his dad?  And how his Corvette had the first 8-track player?  And how he could bench 285, like 15 times?  What was his name?  John Berwald!  That was, wait...oh, hey!  It's Pete Carroll!"

Carroll didn't help his cause by nearly starting several fights on the Magnificent Mile.

"He just came up to me and asked me what I was looking at," said accountant Ernest Chaisson of Evanston.  "I swore he looked just like this guy Gary Denton from New, that guy was a prick.  He used to always shove me into lockers because I was on the math team.  Well, this dude just starts sayin', 'What's up, bro?  You wanna go?  You gotta problem, man?  You wanna go?!'  Then he started talking about how he thought I was looking at his girl and stuff.  I guess his guys pulled him back, and then he pops open a Zima.  A Zima.  Seriously!  I didn't even know they still made that!  Then somebody came up and told me it was Pete Carroll.  What a jag."

Carroll also spent some of his weekend at a Gold's Gym on the outskirts of the city.  A woman in Jefferson Park noticed some older gentleman counting his bench reps.

"First, I thought he was this jerk I knew in high school.  Just this smug 'I know everything about the world' look.  He's the senior who offers you a ride home from school, and then you'resuddenly in a forest preserve, and he's saying things like, 'you know you want it!' Ugh.  Art Givens.  I swear he looks just like Art Givens.  Anyways, all I hear is, 'Ten! Eleven!  Twelve!  Thirteen!' And so on, until he gets to 25.  He jumps up from the bench and starts yelling, 'No pain, no gain!  Only the strong survive!  Only the strong survive!'  Then he went up to this 16 year old girl and asked if she needed a spot.  That's when I puked slightly in my mouth."

Carroll would get the last laugh in Chicago by leading his Seahawks to a come from behind victory.  The Seahawks are 7-5 and threatening for a playoff spot.

"I really loved my time in the city," laughed Carroll after the game.  "For all the haters out there who wanna can't hate this.  You see these guns?  These guns were made for shootin'!"

After the press conference, Carroll peeled out of the parking lot in his 69 Camaro with an unidentified woman who looked to be around 18 years of age.

(All articles from Chicago Tough are comedic in nature and not meant to be treated as truth.  Why this small disclaimer?  You can thank Stacey King.)

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