OSHKOSH- Thanksgiving came early for three lucky Green Bay Packers fans.
Nancy Pogorzelski, Betty Wichinski, and Beverly Schmidt kidnapped the much maligned Packers kicker Mason Crosby at Green Bay's Austin Straubel International Airport. The three women then drove him down to the Oshkosh residence of Wichinski, soaked him in beer, boiled him for thirty minutes, and served him in buns...topped with sauerkraut.
"We were pretty upset," said the portly Beverly Schmidt. "He's missed 6 of his last 13 field goals. If we didn't do something, he was probably gonna cost us a big game. Could you imagine losin' to those meatballs from Illinois because of this guy? You betcha, no! So, we took things into our own hands...and mouths. See what I did there? Ha! Man, that was delicious. And we still have leftovers! Take a look! Oh. Woops. Sorry...looks like Betty just took care of the leg."
Crosby has been at the center of Packers fans anger of late. The kicker nearly cost the team's chances for victory against the Detroit Lions on Sunday.
"We were watchin' the game thinking' to ourselves, 'You know what, I bet you we could down that guy in one sitting,' stated Pogorzelski. "I mean, he's gotta only be like 170 pounds. Well, 175 after you soak him in beer and heap kraut all over him. Well...maybe 180 when you get some mustard on there, too. I'm one of the few who'll actually go with the yellow (mustard). I could do brown, but I like the zing of yellow. Wash that down with some High Life...you got yourself a good time."
"You know he was a little spicy, had a little, dare I say, 'kick'," joked Wichinski. "Listen, we're all about three spins (300 pounds) on the scale. We don't screw around. Back in 1980, we tried to roast Chester Marcol. Guy had coke-bottled glasses. Problem was he had too much fat on him. Crosby is more lean."
Like most female Packers fans, the three women were at least 300 pounds in weight. Each wore special bibs for the occasion stating, 'I just ate Mason Crosby and all I got was this lousy bib.'
Police were called to the residence at 10:45 p.m. However, when authorities arrived, they let the women finish their meal...and didn't press charges.
"Ah, he deserved to go anyways," said Oshkosh Police Chief Larry Mozon. "These women are heroes. They may have just given us a championship. Bring back Ryan Longwell!"
The house was found in quite the rattled shape. The floor was littered with at least 60 cans of High Life. Crosby's jersey hung from a six point buck's mounted head.
"I just told them if they gave me their autographed Don Majkowski picture I wouldn't say anything," said Mozon. "They've got everything in that place. I just feel sorry for whoever that next kicker is; these women mean business."
No replacement for Crosby has been named, as of yet.