Gary Bettman Resumes Role as 'That Asshole on Your Block Who Won't Answer His Door on Halloween"

Gary Bettman Resumes Role as 'That Asshole on Your Block Who Won't Answer His Door on Halloween"

NEW YORK - Sitting in his posh complex in the lower east side of Manhattan, National Hockey League commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the cancellation of the annual New Year's Day Winter Classic celebration.

Sipping from his scotch, his legs kicked up on his ottoman, the 'commish' belted out an edited version of his favorite song.

"Alllll by myyyyysellllllllffff....I wanna be alllll by mysellllllffff...all the time!"

At approximately, 6:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, this quaint celebration was thwarted by the sound of children gathering at Bettman's front door.

"Damn, kids!  What is this?!  Always looking for something free!  Whatever, good children."

Bettman turned off the lights, but kept singing his tune.  Outside the door, children began to kick and knock at the door.

"We know you're in there you selfish son of a b---," said the loudmouth/hefty 11 year old Angelo Spillone.  "Why don't you come outside and give something away for a change!"

The door would not be opened.

Bettman then came upon the perfect idea. 

"I know what I should do!  I can put an empty bowl outside of my door saying 'take one'...then it will look like I already gave away candy!  Or I could just poor some ash on my steps and see how many kids know what, I'll do both!"

Bettman covered his steps with slippery ash and put a bowl up front.  As kids approached and hurt themselves, Bettman laughed maniacally in the window.

"Oh, God!  I love pain!  I love pain!  Bwahahahaha!"

Bettman then decided to fill the bowl with Tootsie Rolls, and attach contracts to each piece.  Each of the contracts stated that he expected only 50% of the Tootsie Roll to be eaten, the rest given back to him. 

"Any violations of the contract will lead to immediate legal action; I don't care how young they are."

As the night progressed, kids could obviously see a man in his house...not answering the door and sometimes openly cursing at the children.

After the night, Bettman was not made available for comment.


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