PYONGYANG - The streets of Pyongyang were abuzz Monday afternoon after the release of the first Bowl Championship Series (BCS) standings. Thousands gathered next to the Arch of Triumph as the Korean Central News Agency announced the standings.
"It is with great honor, at the behest of our once Great Leader Kim Jong-Il and current Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, that we announce new BCS standing. Word has come from evil mainland of fascist leaders, also known as the Devil's Land of States, that the Great Leader Kim Jong-Il...even in death, though he has risen, is number one in college football ranking!"
The masses celebrated by blowing horns and praising the deceased leader's name.
This is the 97th straight week that Kim Jong-Il has claimed the top spot in the collegiate football rankings. Kim Jong-Il found out about the ranking system after its inception in 1998, and years later decided he must participate in the voting...by putting himself on the ballot.
"My father...he...man way ahead of time," said the former leader's son (and current leader) Kim Jong-un. "He understand that...nothing...nothing that come from Devil Land should have anything rated as number one. He is only number one. The rest of us are number two....well, Alabama is number two. What I mean to say is anything that is not Kim Jong-Il is number two."
Jong-un admitted that although his father is still undoubtedly the number one team in college football...that Alabama sure is getting him a run for his money.
"If you put one Kim Jong-Il on football field against University of Tide...you might have game. But only for three quarter. Kim Jong-Il is part spirit/part man...so when team try to tackle...he would just disappear. That is just how the Great Leader is...or was...well, I guess he still technically is. What I'm trying to say is that if Alabama Tide come to Pyongyang to face spirit of Kim Jong-Il they should prepare to be amaze. My father once ran for 1,365 yards in one game...I hear nobody in America come close to record."
The released standings had Kim Jong-Il first, Alabama second, Florida third, Oregon fourth, Kansas State fifth, and Kim Jong-Un sixth. When asked why he wasn't ranked higher, Jong-un smiled...
"Oh, c'mon now. Not even I could beat great Alabama defense. Plus, you see those other team pretty good. Truth is, I only put myself number six because I don't want to be rated behind Notre Dame. So, I always put myself one space above. Even here, in Great Democratic People's Republic of Korea we hate Notre Dame....even here we don't understand why team get NBC contract. I will not let them in front of me...not even for Gipper Guy."
The Korean Central News Agency released the complicated computer rankings system in local newspapers. The BCS standings are based on rankings by the Harris, AP, and USA Today polls along with several different computer rankings. The newspaper showed most of the stats blacked out or obviously edited.
"We don't change news," said Jong-un. "We just change American story and convert it into Korean truth! The truth is my father is number one, I am number six, and everything from South Korea is last!"
Schedules on the sports page show that Kim Jong-Il is on his 97th straight bye week, as well.