GREEN BAY - Stosh Warzawski of Green Bay spent most of Sunday evening rocking nervously in his living room chair.
"I've got to make plans in case we lose to the Bears on Thursday. I don't want to do this, but...I gotta find a lake where I can ice fish, bolt myself into a room containing only old Packers highlight tapes, or just march naked into the North Woods til my eventual death. Either way...this isn't good. This isn't good at all."
The Green Bay Packers' loss to the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday put the beloved men in green at 0-1 for the season. While this might seem miniscule to the casual fan, the potential for disaster is on the horizon. The Packers host the Bears on Thursday night...and if the Packers lose, they'll be 0-2 in a very tough NFC North. Only 13% of NFL teams all-time have made the playoffs after a 0-2 start.
"Guess it'll just go back to being like the 80's," said Laura Gannis; a behemoth of a woman from Wausau weighing in at 315 pounds. "Guess I'll just be going back to watching Wheel of Fortune reruns, doin' scratch-offs, smoking Marlboro Reds, and lightly caressing myself to pictures of Randy Wright."
For many Wisconsin families, provisions are located in underground pantries constructed in the mid 1970's. These 'Packer Plight Shelters' were constructed across Wisconsin after a horrendous stretch of football between 1973 and 1991. Despite occasional respites in the stretch, the majority of winters were spent in these 'shelters'.
"I can remember being holed up in one of those Packer Plight Shelters!" said Milwaukee resident Joe Golski. "Usually...somewhere around Week 3...something would go awry: David Whitehurst would fumble a snap in the closing seconds, Bart Starr would elect to punt on third down, or a fan at County Stadium would hit James Lofton in the eye with a bottle of Miller High Life. Something always went wrong. Then my dad would say, "Off to the shelter!" and that's where we'd go. There'd be old videos of the championship teams, a stolen jockstrap from Jerry Kramer, a life-size needlepoint of Herb Adderly, and tons of food; mainly sausages, cheese, beer...and a beer that my dad made...that was flavored with bacon and cheese."
While most Wisconsinites plan on dying a simple heart attack death, others are planning on Thursday as an easy way out.
"What's to live for?" said Jerry Morson of LaCrosse. "Why not just fill the ole piehole with Miller and sausages, and hang myself in my 1982 retro Robin Yount Brewers roadie? Not a bad way to go."
Reservations for plots and caskets went through the roof late Sunday. One purchase was made by Gwenyth Givens of Green Bay.
"I figure if they lose to the Bears I can drown myself in Old Fashioneds, bowl a couple games at Fred's, smoke two packs of Pall Malls and just end this thing. The last thing I need is those FIB's from Illinois yucking it up on top of a 0-2 start. I don't do ice fishing, I don't watch basketball, and the Badgers are gonna suck anyways! So, I just called Gundenstein's Caskets and got one in green. I told them they can bury me with my autographed flask from Max McGee. Now that's a way to go!"
The Packers play the Bears this Thursday on the NFL Network. Authorities are informing citizens to notify them in case any deadly events occur.