LAKE FOREST - During a lunch hour fundraiser, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stirred up the Chicago-area crowd by speaking on a controversial issue...Chicago Cubs outfielder Tony Campana.
"Every time you look at these polls of Cubs fans' approval rating for Tony Campana, you see that 47% number is locked in. 47%, 47%, 47%. Where does that come from? Is it maybe the fact that 47% of Cubs fans are less than 6 feet tall? Maybe 47% of Cubs fans can't hit a good major league curveball? That percentage is going to always side with Campana, because they know any success of his is beneficial to their people!"
The largely supportive crowd was divided between wealthy men over six feet tall and wealthy men under six feet tall. While a slight majority of people stood, the more 'smallish' crowd sat confused.
"I know the remainder of you is wondering if I'm just pegging smaller people as 'Campana supporters'. I'm not; I'm just saying the numbers are kind of odd, right? People see somebody hitting .262 with no home runs, but, 'oh, he tries so hard!' Really? The fact is this; he has little ability, and he's stealing a job from somebody who can do the job much better!"
Once again, the taller portion of the crowd roared with approval.
"It's like America...we're allowing people with little ability to take jobs because we like their 'effort'. Not results...effort. Folks, if I just hired people to work for me because I liked their 'effort' and not their 'results', I'd be poor. So, 'he's good at stealing bases', you say. Well, you're right...he's 29 of 32 this year. But our country doesn't need a bunch of small pinch-runners...we need big hitters!"
A brave man from the back, standing only 5' 9", pleaded reason.
"It's not like he's getting a handout...he's trying his best. And he's small...and cute...and he does all the right things, like...bunt men over, and run down balls at the right angle. Just because I'm one of the 47% doesn't mean that I'm going to take him over some guy with less ability."
Romney shot back.
"So...if I told you the Cubs had somebody who was a mediocre fielder, with mediocre speed, and hit only .230...but could hit 15 home runs off the bench...would you take him?"
Confused, the man replied sheepishly, "Well...you need guys on your team who can still do the little things-"
"He's not a productive man," said Romney. "This world is eat or be eaten. And small men like him need to be replaced by the stronger men so they can survive. I'll take Rob Deer any day over men like you!"
"But...I'm voting for you."
"Yeah, well...I'm not saying don't vote for me...I'm just saying that it's odd that a percentage of Cubs fans who like him equals the height of Cubs fans under six feet tall...it's just odd, that's all. So, no, I'm not talking about you. I mean, yes, I am talking about you, but I'm not. You know what I mean? Okay, whatever. Let's just end this luncheon with this, 'Tony Campana sucks! And the people who support him are in the way of Cubs' growth."
"I wasn't disagreeing with that."
"I know...I've gotta find better analogies...I didn't alienate you, did I?"
"Well, then...don't miss my next luncheon down town called 'Mark Eaton Was Useless'. Ha...ha...okay....hey, nobody recorded this, right?"
After the fundraiser, polls have shown little movement in regards to Romney's feelings about short people and Tony Campana.
More updates to come later.