CHICAGO - Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany held an impromptu news conference early Monday to announce changes in the Big Ten's divisional format.
However, the changes weren't an adjustment to the newly formed Big Ten Championship Game. The changes involved new names for the divisions, and realignment within the old divisions.
"After numerous meetings with conference officials on Sunday night, we've decided to change the names of our divisions," said a noticeably tired Delany. "We're moving from Legends and Leaders to the more appropriate "Ehhhhh...Ugh" and "Mmmmnnn...Yeah...No" divisions. It's about time we start getting honest about what's going on."
The Big Ten's rough out of conference season has drawn much criticism throughout college football. After another weekend of sluggish play which saw Iowa lose to Central Michigan, Wisconsin struggle against UTEP, Ohio State struggle against UAB, Michigan State struggle against Eastern Michigan, and Michigan looking inept against Notre Dame....the conference has agreed to a more realistic approach to their conference's play.
"We were 'Legends' and 'Leaders' divisions because we were affiliated with Grange, Kinnick, Nagurski, Butkus, Brees, etc...now? Well, we had to ask a serious question...when you ask 'Can this team compete in other power conferences?', we only came up with two responses: "Ehhhhh...Ugh" and "Mmmmnnn...Yeah...No." It's time to make the change."
Delany announced that the new EU Division will feature Indiana, Iowa, Illinois, Penn State, Purdue, and Michigan State.
"The teams in the "Ehhhhh...Ugh Divsion" are teams that have underperformed by a wide margin. At least we think so. The teams in the other division make you think for one second they could compete in the SEC...and then you're like...Mmmmnnn...Yeah...no. The MYN Division will feature Minnesota, Wisconsin, Northwestern, Michigan, Ohio State, and Nebraska. It should be the better division, but...mmmmm....yeah....we're not sure."
The conference's pathetic 33-13 record doesn't fully show the ineptitude of the group. The Big Ten is 6-8 against teams from 'power conferences' and 18 of the 33 wins come from lower level FBS conferences or FCS schools. Of the six power conference wins, Syracuse is listed twice...and Temple once.
"We hope that with these new names people will lower their expectations," said Delany. "We're also changing our football slogan to 'Pretend that Didn't Happen'. You know...coz maybe people will forget it? Maybe? Ugh...we suck."
Big Ten conference play starts next week.
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